bivouac

[Manna]

bivouac

1.
naïve, they gathered in a corner of the bar
locked their arms, built their house. safari ants
march chanting “feed the fungus, feed the children.”
the one in front can’t hear the one at the end
but they are in step and in time, and Sundays
the preacher says: survival is a dangerous game.
I step over the line out of respect.
they make living walls to hold and protect
their future. they didn’t know they’d invaded
the sacred place of drowned sorrow.
a powerful weapon: aerosol spray
a powerful weapon: mandibles
the war was on.

2.
these vagrants just rest and move on.
no war would have been necessary.
the memory of welts on my ankles
and wondering when and how to act.

3.
a downhill streak
stands on her pedals
spreads her arms, leans forward flying.

a crack in the sidewalk
has a swarming congregation.
wobble
look
for
the
thinnest
point
no choice but to squish some.
and in trying to gain control
and do what seems best
I end up steamrolling
the fattest point
twice.
not a war, a massacre.
because I tried to control it.

4.
I am naïve
someday I will know
what it was for them
in unity

[lizzytysh]

I love your sensitivity and 'micro' vision in this, Manna... and the irony you bring to bear in the last few lines of part 3 and the 'lesson' of it all in part 4.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

Do you know how hard it is to endure compliments when I know all the faults of this piece?
(or at least I know some of them.)

It sort of starts out like some ants and a preacher went into a bar...
I think I need to get rid of that preacher, maybe call him an admiral or a drill sargeant or something. I may have given the ants an overly anthropomorphic treatment in part 1. I do have another version of this, but I think it's lost something else that I should have kept. I should just give in and call them army ants, but something in me resists that and I don't know what yet. The arrangement of part 1 may be improved. Nomad might be a better word than vagrant. I like the line "survival is a dangerous game," but it feels like a cliche and I don't know if saying that someone said it is too obvious of a cliche fixer or if I should just scrap that whole idea.

But I do appreciate the reads, even if no one else comments. And I appreciate even more the ego stroking.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Manna ~

Well, your ego can do as it pleases with my comments ; enjoy its moments in the warmth of the sun, or retreat to the cellar and sit in the damp cold because your piece lacks perfection; however, they come to you because your poem touches parts of me and I'm not one to rearrange what you've done. I go with what's there and share with you the parts [and not even all of them] I like and why. Not that any response to it would send you to the cellar, either . I like very much the way you've taken two encounters with ants, each resulting in their deaths, and turned it into a contemplation of man's power against the creatures, even when it's unintentional; and how the issue of control in itself can end up with destructive results.

Since some preachers do go into bars, it didn't seem awry to me. I also haven't happened to hear that particular phrase, so it didn't come across as cliched. I'm afraid if you were to use drill sergeant, your self-complaint might be that his comment was too predictable and, therefore, cliched. The admiral would be slightly more removed from the survival issue; his role being more about strategy [I believe; not being military, I really don't know]. How about if the accountant says it ?

Calling them migrant ants would be appropriate. In a sense, vagrant seems appropriate, as that's how they seem to be perceived in that environment... hanging around where they have no real reason for being... however, migrant serves to lead the way for the point you make later on. Nomad is more poetic, though, and seems to make the same point.

Of course, at least here, 'migrants'/migrant workers tend to be looked down upon, as not being legitimate or fully belonging, so it would be appropriate in that sense [from the perspective of those doing the spraying]; 'nomads' seems to come with more of a nobility, so from the perspective of the one defending their right to be and exist and be left alone [the writer and observer in the bar in this case], that would seem more appropriate.

How about posting your other version? You may want to combine the two, taking the best of each?


~ Lizzy

[mat james]

they didn’t know they’d invaded
the sacred place of drowned sorrow.

Why are you full of sorrow?
Is that why you squashed them?

[lizzytysh]

Hi Matt ~

I'll give a little of my own input here before Manna arrives and answers. I really liked that phrase as being a synopsis of bars, in general... the place many sorrowful go for 'comfort,' yet that doesn't necessarily mean everyone there is in that state. Some feel quite joyful, in fact, sharing a drink with friends in a public rather than private place. It may be that the one where this occurred was more of the dampened spirits variety. The corner bar where the 9:00 AM alcoholic is having his first, and the late hangers-on aren't there for sharing, but just one more before they go home alone to fall asleep in their loneliness. Still, it doesn't necessarily hold true that everyone there is there in those ways.

The difference I saw in the two scenarios was that in the bar, they were killed with full intention, with the writer feeling badly about the killing. In the second scenario, they were killed fully out of accident, the intention of the writer being to avoid killing them. The only sorrow in the writer that I picked up on was that which resulted from the deaths of the ants, her sorrow due to her compassion; first, for the tiny creatures able to fight only with their mandibles, but still doing their best to defend themselves; second, due to her own failed efforts to spare their lives and, instead, killing many more.

That's my take, anyway.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

No, I am not full of sorrow. At least, I don't think I am.
No, that is not why I squished the ants.

I know I didn't explicitly say in the poem, but I wasn't involved in the attack at all in the bar. I was just there with my travelling companions having a time. Calling a bar the "scared place of drowned sorrow" gives the keep motivation to attack or, rather, defend, as he saw it. I think it's ok to call a bar this.

When army ants are sprayed, some are killed, but the rest have trouble smelling. Since they communicate by chemicals, they all got lost. That's why I had welts on my ankles.

And the bar incident happened about 8 years before the bicycle incident, and on another continent, sort of.

[lizzytysh]

I know I didn't explicitly say in the poem, but I wasn't involved in the attack at all in the bar.

Even though I don't think this comment is directed at me, I'm also not sure if my understanding of that came across in my own response, either. When I said, " . . . with the writer feeling badly about the killing," I didn't mean to suggest a feeling of remorse for something she'd done, but her feelings from watching what the keeper did.

I still like the poem, as is ... even a little more now, seeing how your mind held onto the ant incident in the bar and made the connection that many years later with the bicycling incident.


~ Lizzy

[mat james]

I am naïve
someday I will know
what it was for them
in unity

I could do a "Mystical" amplification on this verse Manna and Lizzy! It would fit in perfectly in one of my rants on the "Book of Mercy" thread.

This is a beautiful peom (and moment) Manna. Deep understandings and magic moments/perspectives are found so often in some

crack in the sidewalk

And your prodding, Lizzy, helped me get to the bottom of it. Thanks.

Matj.

[Manna]

Mat (Matt? Matj? How would you prefer to be addressed?),
I can't tell you how it pleases me that what I've written here connects with your thoughts regarding BoM. There were things that happened to me in that conversation that made the writing of this possible. If you're asking for permission, (I could do a "Mystical" amplification on this verse Manna and Lizzy! It would fit in perfectly in one of my rants on the "Book of Mercy" thread.) please know that you don't need to.
Boy, what a day!

[lizzytysh]

YaY .

Also, Matt, I first read your "prodding" as "plodding" ~ and laughed thinking that my error could have been the correct.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

This is a beautiful peom (and moment) Manna. Deep understandings and magic moments/perspectives are found so often in some

crack in the sidewalk

Aw, shucks.

[mat james]

Matj is fine Manna.
Matj, prodding and plodding to Unity