Betrayal

Geoffrey · Post by **Geoffrey** » Sun Mar 18, 2007 11:53 am

You might be embraced
by the assassin,
you might think
that you're in bliss -
but don't forget
that there are teeth
in every Judas kiss.

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Sun Mar 18, 2007 4:37 pm

Hi Geoffrey ~

This is succinct and powerful. I'm guessing it's borne out of your own experience? I'm sorry that you've felt so personally betrayed by someone, as to send warnings such as this. If it's not borne out of your own; well, here are some thoughts of mine:

Trust can come
and trust may go
Trust can be built
despite the woes...

When life is all about decisions
and our own we must bear
Do the best with all you're given
... 'bove all, choose to care

That's my poetical attempt at response. Could be better, could be worse. Not familiar with this world of verse.

My best to you, Geoffrey,
Lizzy

Christopher T. George · Tue Mar 20, 2007 10:17 pm

Hi Geoffrey

Good work here. I suggest you could make it more concise by dropping "don't forget that" which is implied. See below.

Chris

You might be embraced
by the assassin,
you might think
you're in bliss -
but there are teeth
in each Judas kiss.

Geoffrey · Post by **Geoffrey** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:14 am

Christopher T. George wrote:
>Good work here. I suggest you could make it more concise by dropping "don't forget that" which is implied. See below . . .

Hello Chris. I don't think it's possible to salvage anything from that poem, except an inferiority that makes me so small that flecks of dust seem like asteroids. A Harley Street gynaecologist can sew up a prostitute's hymen but a virgin she will never be. I thank you for trying to help, however - but I have not the awareness to be a poet. What sounds to me like a Gregorian chant from a distance, up close is nothing more than a Vatican priest saying the Lord's Prayer backwards. It is all too much like being married to a career woman and having to stick pins through a Durex - like Judas would have done.

Geoffrey · Post by **Geoffrey** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:25 am

lizzytysh wrote:
>This is succinct and powerful. I'm guessing it's borne out of your own experience?

I had Mr Iscariot in mind ;-)

>. . .here are some thoughts of mine:

Thank you, Lizzy - I didn't know you had a little Piet Hein inside of you. You should nurture him.

G

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Thu Mar 22, 2007 1:37 am

Durex

Sometimes, I just wish people would attach a glossary

.

I had Mr Iscariot in mind

I see that now... this is what I was hoping for; a relief in several ways

and

. It's still succinct and powerful.

I must say that your dust & asteroids examples challenge the poem for first place in creativity and pleasure.

You're welcome, Geoffrey. Now that I feel free to make light of things in this thread:

I didn't know you had a little Piet Hein inside of you. You should nurture him.

My little Piet prefers Mythos, having switched to the bottle long ago... perhaps, a few nights out and the little Piet will feel inspired? If you come across a glossary, would you mind handing it over? Now, this makes two...

Love,
Lizzy