Broken Fragments
as I stood in the bus shelter
I tried to lean against
a pane of glass that wasn’t there
broken fragments scattered
on the ground
made me think of you
broken fragments
of the love that we once knew
last night
I tried to lean on you
you were not there
the single word you spoke
begot despair
a punctuated silence hung mid-air
broken fragments of illusion
strewn about
broken fragments of illusion
casting doubt
ghostly remnants
reinforce my confusion
is our union real
or a delusion
photos gather dust
smiles
locked in time
fixed in place
defy the hardened
aspects of your face
Sherry L. Smith
March 2007
Broken Fragments
Broken Fragments
Last edited by Sherry on Mon Mar 12, 2007 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dear Sherry ~
This one really speaks to me, from how you perceived the broken glass at the bus stop, when you failed to receive the support you sought... the jolt of reality that brought to mind other areas of your life.
You paint an abyssmal picture with your words in this. The 'negative' space that prevails in that which you share. It reminds me of an equation that has a series of negatives that don't convert to a positive.
This ending really works for me. I'm wondering if you intended for aspect to be aspects, as it allows for more imagined searching of the face for something softer; yet, finding them all to be the same. Resolute like a hard-faced, marble statue.
I like your title very much, too, Sherry.
Love,
Lizzy
This one really speaks to me, from how you perceived the broken glass at the bus stop, when you failed to receive the support you sought... the jolt of reality that brought to mind other areas of your life.
You paint an abyssmal picture with your words in this. The 'negative' space that prevails in that which you share. It reminds me of an equation that has a series of negatives that don't convert to a positive.
defy the hardened
aspect of your face
This ending really works for me. I'm wondering if you intended for aspect to be aspects, as it allows for more imagined searching of the face for something softer; yet, finding them all to be the same. Resolute like a hard-faced, marble statue.
I like your title very much, too, Sherry.
Love,
Lizzy
Lizzy,
Thank you yet again for your comments. I really appreciate the
way you critique. I can always go back and see my poems or those
of others in a much clearer light after reading your comments.
I also liked your suggestion for 'aspects' instead of 'aspect' and have
made that change.
I shall try to write something a little more optimistic one of these days.
Love,
Sherry
Thank you yet again for your comments. I really appreciate the
way you critique. I can always go back and see my poems or those
of others in a much clearer light after reading your comments.
I also liked your suggestion for 'aspects' instead of 'aspect' and have
made that change.
I shall try to write something a little more optimistic one of these days.
Love,
Sherry
Thank you for your VERY kind comments, Sherry.
I can understand the "aspect" from the perspective of the body having gone rigid, and now seeing it in the face, as well... however, the face has so many more variables... a rigid, set jaw; cold/rigid expression in the eyes; a terse, downward or tight expression in the mouth; a set, furrowed brow... though, on the other hand, there could be folded arms; a body turned away; etc.; that the face is now confirming. So, I guess either would really work, conceptually... I just liked the idea of you searching his face for something that might elicit hope. It [unfortunately
] may be that "aspects" makes for too many "s" sounds in one line 
.
How about the word "facets" ~ the way we might usually enjoy looking at a diamond... and this one having reverted to the darkness of coal. "Facets of your face" would also have the 'smoothening' effect of the repetition of the "f" sound, followed by the same with "s" ~ which would end up [maybe
] having more of a flow. "Aspect" seems to, somehow, stop 'too short' in its sound, with its being in the 'middle' of the line.
Love,
Lizzy
I can understand the "aspect" from the perspective of the body having gone rigid, and now seeing it in the face, as well... however, the face has so many more variables... a rigid, set jaw; cold/rigid expression in the eyes; a terse, downward or tight expression in the mouth; a set, furrowed brow... though, on the other hand, there could be folded arms; a body turned away; etc.; that the face is now confirming. So, I guess either would really work, conceptually... I just liked the idea of you searching his face for something that might elicit hope. It [unfortunately
] may be that "aspects" makes for too many "s" sounds in one line . How about the word "facets" ~ the way we might usually enjoy looking at a diamond... and this one having reverted to the darkness of coal. "Facets of your face" would also have the 'smoothening' effect of the repetition of the "f" sound, followed by the same with "s" ~ which would end up [maybe
] having more of a flow. "Aspect" seems to, somehow, stop 'too short' in its sound, with its being in the 'middle' of the line.Love,
Lizzy
Hi Lizzy,
I know what you're getting at, but in reality the room was dark and we weren't even looking at each other so I wasn't studying his face at all, I could just feel the hardness from across the room (although I could fictionalize this if I wanted to, but I don't really want to). I think that 'aspect' or 'aspects' fits better the coldness of the situation.
I just had my daughter read it and she thought it felt unfinished, but that that was not necessarily a bad thing since it adds to the sense of uncompleteness. What do you think?
Love,
Sherry
I know what you're getting at, but in reality the room was dark and we weren't even looking at each other so I wasn't studying his face at all, I could just feel the hardness from across the room (although I could fictionalize this if I wanted to, but I don't really want to). I think that 'aspect' or 'aspects' fits better the coldness of the situation.
I just had my daughter read it and she thought it felt unfinished, but that that was not necessarily a bad thing since it adds to the sense of uncompleteness. What do you think?
Love,
Sherry
Hi Sherry ~
Ahhh... well, yes, whoa... the darkness and its chill. Aspect[s] does fit the clinical feeling in the room.
Now, unfinished hadn't occurred to me. Incompleteness is all over the place, so its being unfinished certainly would add to that lack of feeling everywhere [add to lack of
]... well, lack of positive feeling, anyway. So, I guess if it feels unfinished, it might better remain so, eh? Of course, that always leaves room for hope, too... so, perhaps, she's reading an incompleteness into it out of hope? But, then, she was the one who also said that that's not necessarily a bad thing. SOooo... I just don't know, Sherry. I really don't.
Love,
Lizzy
Ahhh... well, yes, whoa... the darkness and its chill. Aspect[s] does fit the clinical feeling in the room.
Now, unfinished hadn't occurred to me. Incompleteness is all over the place, so its being unfinished certainly would add to that lack of feeling everywhere [add to lack of
]... well, lack of positive feeling, anyway. So, I guess if it feels unfinished, it might better remain so, eh? Of course, that always leaves room for hope, too... so, perhaps, she's reading an incompleteness into it out of hope? But, then, she was the one who also said that that's not necessarily a bad thing. SOooo... I just don't know, Sherry. I really don't.Love,
Lizzy