this is the only draft
straight on, no rehearsals
i slept like shit the other night
asked my doctor for some mogadon
took it just last night
slept about 8 hours
oh, the relief
but i feel woosey
and this manic depression rips into me
seems i'm high when the light is thick
low when it's dark
and i try to make sense
of the book of mercy thread
my mind won't drink it
i was hospitalized seven years ago
the police took me in a divisional van
only stayed a week that time
twas the last
hospital food is good
i miss it at times
i miss the hospital in wales
out in the sticks
having a bath
i couldn't sleep
and i miss israel
not sleeping
alone on the hill
reflecting on G-d
and jackie
and my dog buster
he'd be dead now
a cocker spaniel
shiny red coat
she took him when i got back
so i got another dog
named him buddy
a german shepherd
he's 11 now and knows only one command, sit
i like him like that
all natural like
he doesn't get to see much of his world
i find it hard in society
we're both restricted to home duties
lucky he has his sister ishka
she lost her master on april 21 2001
he died of neurofibromatosis
the cancer ate him up
he was a good bloke
he wouldn't have understood the book of mercy thread either
and that was okay
and tchoc started a thread love
and i think
of sitting on that back beach
the surf rolling in
it is night
we drink bourbon
on our blanket
the moon nearly full
we don't talk
both thinking of making love
we don't talk
and she is a friend
but not jackie
and we make love
i hold her for dear life
catch a glimpse of that old moon
and she calls out my name
as she climaxes
and the whole world's goin' mad
i am nothing in it
and i know my poems are all duds
but they called to me from their holy places
asked me to dance the beat
but i can't
i am so scared
i am just so scared
asked my doctor for some mogadon
Dear Adam ~
I'm so grateful that you've trusted us enough to come here and be so honest with your fear and pain during this one of many terrifying times for you. You sound like you're feeling very desolate inside. It's so important to feel you can talk with someone or to someone or just in someone's presence... even if you choose not to, during times like this. You've been coming and going from here for a long time and your honesty is your hallmark. I like your poems for the way they speak your personal truths so unmistakably.
The details of our lives are so different, yet there remain common threads... and I'm so moved by your reaching out and painting the picture that is real. No pretending. Everything is not alright... and there's little that suggests otherwise... save, perhaps, the word relief and your description of how you are still able to reach out enough to make love, even if you still seem to feel somewhat isolated in that, and desperate as you hold her for dear life. Your presence and sharing here are clear things that suggest okayness, and that's because they're proof that you're still alive and you still have the desire to communicate and you're still reaching out in other ways with trust... and very effectively.
You're right that the world's gone crazy, but you are something in it. You're Adam ben Meyer and you're not a dud and neither are your poems. And I'm glad, so glad, Adam, that you're here. I miss you when you're gone, and I'm especially glad to see you now.
I hope I see you here tomorrow or later tonight, Adam. I'll check.
Love,
Lizzy
I'm so grateful that you've trusted us enough to come here and be so honest with your fear and pain during this one of many terrifying times for you. You sound like you're feeling very desolate inside. It's so important to feel you can talk with someone or to someone or just in someone's presence... even if you choose not to, during times like this. You've been coming and going from here for a long time and your honesty is your hallmark. I like your poems for the way they speak your personal truths so unmistakably.
The details of our lives are so different, yet there remain common threads... and I'm so moved by your reaching out and painting the picture that is real. No pretending. Everything is not alright... and there's little that suggests otherwise... save, perhaps, the word relief and your description of how you are still able to reach out enough to make love, even if you still seem to feel somewhat isolated in that, and desperate as you hold her for dear life. Your presence and sharing here are clear things that suggest okayness, and that's because they're proof that you're still alive and you still have the desire to communicate and you're still reaching out in other ways with trust... and very effectively.
You're right that the world's gone crazy, but you are something in it. You're Adam ben Meyer and you're not a dud and neither are your poems. And I'm glad, so glad, Adam, that you're here. I miss you when you're gone, and I'm especially glad to see you now.
I hope I see you here tomorrow or later tonight, Adam. I'll check.
Love,
Lizzy
Last edited by lizzytysh on Thu Jan 18, 2007 2:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
Diane
Boss, it is good to see you back in these parts. There's a lot of raw emotion in your poem. I'm very sorry that you feel so bad. I hope you're getting some quality care and attention. There's nothing scary here. Thanks for trusting us.
Love and big hug
(((((((((((((((((((((((Adam))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Diane.
Love and big hug
(((((((((((((((((((((((Adam))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Diane.
Lizzy, Diane,
You have both always been beautiful friends to me. I would love to have coffee one day with the two of you! Imagine that.
I am okay. It is not a terrifying time for me. I'm not really desolate, not really sad. I just thought when I got up this morning to write something from the top of my head and from my heart. I get a little personal but this I cannot help. I can't lie to myself or to anyone else anymore. When I lie it is only a game. My life can be lonely; I find peace in my dogs.
When I think on it, things have gotten easier; certainly easier than the '90s. For the most part I have learned to live with bipolar. I dream of a future that is full. I know I harp on my love for Jackie; I do it intentionally. It helps. She will come back - the mystic, the wind tells me so.
I lost my sister when I was a boy of 9. She left something inside me, something very precious. Sometimes when I come across women of comparable age to her I feel a 'connection' - like they are big sisters. I feel this with you Lizzy and you Diane. It is very special.
Take care
Love Adam
You have both always been beautiful friends to me. I would love to have coffee one day with the two of you! Imagine that.
I am okay. It is not a terrifying time for me. I'm not really desolate, not really sad. I just thought when I got up this morning to write something from the top of my head and from my heart. I get a little personal but this I cannot help. I can't lie to myself or to anyone else anymore. When I lie it is only a game. My life can be lonely; I find peace in my dogs.
When I think on it, things have gotten easier; certainly easier than the '90s. For the most part I have learned to live with bipolar. I dream of a future that is full. I know I harp on my love for Jackie; I do it intentionally. It helps. She will come back - the mystic, the wind tells me so.
I lost my sister when I was a boy of 9. She left something inside me, something very precious. Sometimes when I come across women of comparable age to her I feel a 'connection' - like they are big sisters. I feel this with you Lizzy and you Diane. It is very special.
Take care
Love Adam
Hi Adam ~
This posting is a huge relief for me. Thanks for returning so soon to write it. A friend of mine who had bi-polar disorder, late 30s-early 40s, committed suicide last year during one of her down times... absent meds because she still owed $40 to the clinic and they refused to give her more. There were other extenuating circumstances which the meds may not have been enough to overcome, but we'll never know.
I would rather take 'too seriously' what feels like a cry for help and connection and find out, as I have here, that it wasn't necessary, than to not take it seriously enough and find out too late [in whatever way] that it was. I am now happily wrong... and I would love to have coffee with you some day.
I hope, too, that you'll come back more often and keep writing.
Oh, dear, I understand this...
. I know you miss your sister.
Love,
Lizzy
This posting is a huge relief for me. Thanks for returning so soon to write it. A friend of mine who had bi-polar disorder, late 30s-early 40s, committed suicide last year during one of her down times... absent meds because she still owed $40 to the clinic and they refused to give her more. There were other extenuating circumstances which the meds may not have been enough to overcome, but we'll never know.
I would rather take 'too seriously' what feels like a cry for help and connection and find out, as I have here, that it wasn't necessary, than to not take it seriously enough and find out too late [in whatever way] that it was. I am now happily wrong... and I would love to have coffee with you some day.
I hope, too, that you'll come back more often and keep writing.
I didn't realize you were, Adam.I can't lie to myself or to anyone else anymore.
Oh, dear, I understand this...
I feel honoured that you perceive me, along with Diane, with feelings related to 'big sister' ~ it's a position I could be in with most every one here, agewiseShe will come back - the mystic, the wind tells me so.
. I know you miss your sister.Love,
Lizzy
Re: asked my doctor for some mogadon
Adam,
Poems "duds?" Nah. -- A bit uni-themed, yeah, but that isn't a crime. You
not mattering?... Well, wrong again. And what, I wouldn't be invited, too,
for coffee?
About the "natural" state of the dog, I've kept numerous
animals and appreciate that they've not been "domesticated" too far
beyond general trust and acceptance. Someone I admired said something
to the effect that every creature is entitled to his/her own God given right
of individuality and nature.
Poems "duds?" Nah. -- A bit uni-themed, yeah, but that isn't a crime. You
not mattering?... Well, wrong again. And what, I wouldn't be invited, too,
for coffee?
About the "natural" state of the dog, I've kept numerousanimals and appreciate that they've not been "domesticated" too far
beyond general trust and acceptance. Someone I admired said something
to the effect that every creature is entitled to his/her own God given right
of individuality and nature.
you bloody sook Boss! Good to read more of your misery!!!
Have you ever read Charles Bukowski?
What a wonderful bleeding heart he was and I think you may appreciate his perspectives?
Stace, I assume has some Irish blood for the book seems written by someone from the land of saints and scholars.
I bought it on Amazon and there are plenty more if you feel inclined. I recommend it for any budding mystic
Matj (postpsuedobipolarindividuatedjungianmysticfuckwit)
Have you ever read Charles Bukowski?
What a wonderful bleeding heart he was and I think you may appreciate his perspectives?
Speaking of the "Mystic", I just finished reading a wonderfully concise book on Mysticism: "The Teachings of the Mystics" by Walter T Stace.the mystic, the wind tells me so.
Stace, I assume has some Irish blood for the book seems written by someone from the land of saints and scholars.
I bought it on Amazon and there are plenty more if you feel inclined. I recommend it for any budding mystic
Matj (postpsuedobipolarindividuatedjungianmysticfuckwit)
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
My two pence
I also enjoyed this a lot Adam and share similar sentiments over your chastising your poetry, but what better place to do it but in a poem. Thank you for your openness it has helped this poor sod a great deal, you've a lucky dog or two. Take care.
Dear Steven, Mat and James,
Thank you. In your own ways you lightened my day. As you always do Steven, you encapsulated so much truth so succinctly. You have a wonderful soul, a heart firmly in love. Listen mate, you name the place for coffee and I'm there. Mat James, you made me laugh. When I first "met" you on this forum I was a little threatened; not now. I am a serious soul and you have the knack of helping me let my hair down. The best therapy! Thanks. (By the way I have read a little Bukowski - he was bloody good). James, your openness and bravery I admire so. Your writing reveals so much and you tell it how it is. This is what I need to do, cut the pretence, it really shits me. I just want to be real. You show me this. You're no "poor sod" buddy but a beautiful human being. And so am I.
Thanks again
Adam
Thank you. In your own ways you lightened my day. As you always do Steven, you encapsulated so much truth so succinctly. You have a wonderful soul, a heart firmly in love. Listen mate, you name the place for coffee and I'm there. Mat James, you made me laugh. When I first "met" you on this forum I was a little threatened; not now. I am a serious soul and you have the knack of helping me let my hair down. The best therapy! Thanks. (By the way I have read a little Bukowski - he was bloody good). James, your openness and bravery I admire so. Your writing reveals so much and you tell it how it is. This is what I need to do, cut the pretence, it really shits me. I just want to be real. You show me this. You're no "poor sod" buddy but a beautiful human being. And so am I.
Thanks again
Adam
Adam, this is Byron borrowing margaret's computer cos mine's switched off at the moment.
Seek my signature and the links.
Bipolar is like Faith. Impossible to describe adequately and impossible to fathom fully.
All I'll add is that when you're at the bottom of that well, I'll be empathising next to you.
The links are here and not in my signature. Byron.
http://bipolarity-life.blogspot.com/
http://intransitory.blogspot.com/
Seek my signature and the links.
Bipolar is like Faith. Impossible to describe adequately and impossible to fathom fully.
All I'll add is that when you're at the bottom of that well, I'll be empathising next to you.
The links are here and not in my signature. Byron.
http://bipolarity-life.blogspot.com/
http://intransitory.blogspot.com/
-
Diane
mat james wrote:reading the Old Testament makes me think god may be bi-polar; So you are in good company!
The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.
from The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins