the lake

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tom.d.stiller
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the lake

Post by tom.d.stiller » Thu Jul 14, 2005 9:28 pm

the lake

look at this inoffensive lake
between the mountains and the plains:
birds come to rest on their way south
and then again in spring for north is home

in summer men from distant woods
gather on its shore to calm
exhausted spirits down, a flock
of lost horizons crowds my sight

in winter only i will walk the lake
i cross the frozen water
and on the other side i sit
down to build a snowman in my mind

------------------------

I want to dedicate these lines to the forum member posting as linda_lakeside, for example because she sure deserves a thread, but not the one previously dedicated to her.

tom
mickey_one
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Post by mickey_one » Thu Jul 14, 2005 10:15 pm

well done! I had also thought of writing her a verse and may still do so before I go away this weekend. there was nothing wrong at all with my previous LL thread, just weirdly misunderstood by (more than?) one casual reader.

Linda has no reason routinely to discount here contributions and I was perhaps the first publicly to suggest she stops doing so.
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linda_lakeside
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Post by linda_lakeside » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:19 pm

Tom,

Thank you. You have created a very lovely poem and I am most flattered that you would dedicate it to me. Truly lovely. You are a kind and wonderful friend.

Linda.
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linda_lakeside
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Post by linda_lakeside » Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:21 pm

Mickey_One,

I am looking forward to your verse - with near urgent anticipation. :D

Linda.
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Sandra
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Post by Sandra » Fri Jul 15, 2005 1:28 am

nice to see you tom.d.stiller......!
I can almost see that lake!!!!!!!!!
LaurieAK
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Post by LaurieAK » Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:40 am

Tom~

I started to crit this earlier in the week, but in the process my computer blinked out and I got side-tracked...
the lake

look at this inoffensive lake
between the mountains and the plains:
birds come to rest on their way south
and then again in spring for north is home

in summer men from distant woods
gather on its shore to calm
exhausted spirits down, a flock
of lost horizons crowds my sight

in winter only i will walk the lake
i cross the frozen water
and on the other side i sit
down to build a snowman in my mind
I like how it grabs you, right away in sharp focus-but i think that "inoffensive" is expendable. A bit too judgemental, you know? Regardless, the opening stanza does create a vista that your readers can customize in their minds; down to what sort of birds might be migrating.

Stanza 2: I think the use of "woods" in line one could be replaced by something that is more 'stressful.' To explain my thought process: if they are living in the 'woods' already, it does not imply a highly stressful lifestyle (unless you are terrified of spiders/bears/etc). Seriously, i think bringing the stressed out masses in from cities would work better.
Also in the same stanza, i think that "down" is superfluous.

I like everything about stanza 3. Also throughout the poem, I like your line breaks.

Very nice poem. Enjoyed it much.

regards,
Laurie
p.s. i am building a snowman in my mind as i type...brrrr
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tom.d.stiller
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Post by tom.d.stiller » Mon Jul 25, 2005 3:14 pm

Laurie -

thank you for taking the time to read and crit "the lake".

You brought forth some valid points, and I'll have to think about them some more. Currently I believe that the attribution of "inoffensiveness" to the lake is what gives a "face" to the lake that isn't really described. But I might be wrong there...

And I ponder replacing the "woods" by a more urban reference without destroying the rhythm of the stanza. For the same reason I presently tend to keep the "down" in the second stanza, though I admit it is not indispensable.

Thanks again for your helpful remarks. I'll come back to this later, though later might mean "after my three week vacation"...

Cheers
tom

PS: Please keep yourself warm while building that snowman... :)
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woody
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Post by woody » Mon Aug 22, 2005 3:39 am

i like this poem, it felt refreshing, took me out of these 1am city walls. it's nice to able to read something like this tucked away in the night. it flowed well with spirtual/ natural energy.
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tom.d.stiller
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Post by tom.d.stiller » Tue Sep 13, 2005 7:58 am

Thank you, woody,

you got some nice "afternoon blues" on your page as well.

Cheers
tom
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tom.d.stiller
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Re:

Post by tom.d.stiller » Fri Jan 01, 2021 7:22 am

linda_lakeside wrote:
Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:21 pm
Mickey_One,

I am looking forward to your verse - with near urgent anticipation. :D

Linda.
Did Mickey_One ever deliver? I don't believe he ever did.
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