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lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Wed Mar 16, 2005 4:13 am

Dear Vegard ~

I love this delicious poem, brimming with sensuality and tenderness. Your 'reference' to Leonard's song in the last verse is very appropriate to your setting.

Just a couple spelling corrections:
In the 1st verse, 4th line: make it "exist" not "exists".
In the 2nd verse, 1st line: make it "off" not "of".
In the 2nd verse, 3rd line: make it "massage oil" without the hypen [-].

Just a couple suggestions:

In the next-to-last verse, 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th lines: I'd prefer it as
"is luckily not supposed to come
Easily
And it's not love
It's devotion"

Last verse: I'd prefer it as
"Seven years from now
It will be love."

I got a bit lost with the time-order switch, from past, present, future, present.

However, all that said [and there are actual poets here, who may not even agree with my suggestions] even if it remained as is, I like it very much, and how you separate out what your experiencing into what is not love, with what it is. You, once again, seem to be on the blissful side of life. Such a beautiful and wondrous thing it is. I'm glad to see it with you.

Love,
Elizabeth

Teratogen · Post by **Teratogen** » Wed Mar 16, 2005 6:30 am

wow. wow wow wow. this kind of reminds me of van morrison. so beautiful. mind if i turn this into a song??? i'd be honored.

linda_lakeside · Post by **linda_lakeside** » Wed Mar 16, 2005 6:46 am

I usually stay away from the commentary on poems as I am hopelessly ineffectual in the offering of advice. This is because I don't know what I'm talking about. However, you seem to. And you talk about it very nicely, indeed. I loved this. I'll say it again. I loved this.

Linda.

Amonynous · Post by **Amonynous** » Thu Mar 17, 2005 1:53 am

lizzytysh · Post by **lizzytysh** » Fri Mar 18, 2005 5:46 am

Oh, dear ~ don't do that, Vegard. You will have invoked [I believe it's termed] the Peter Principle, wherein a person rises to the level of their own incompetence. [Something like that ~ or is it rises to the highest level of their own incompetence. I think Murphy's Law may be that if something can go wrong, it will. Whatever it is, don't do it!

] I was fortunate to be somewhere near the mark on this. Next time, I might ruin it. Don't chance it

. Thanks for the thought, though

. I'm glad you appreciated my minor corrections. I normally don't do all that. I just really, really enjoyed this so much, I thought I'd 'chance' it. I'd love to hear the song rendition.

~ Elizabeth

Gideon · Post by **Gideon** » Tue Mar 22, 2005 2:37 am

Yes, I liked it. And that's not just because you liked mine. Perhaps we have similar styles.
James (Gideon is a pen-name like Parker or Biro)