21st August 2004

[mickey_one]

Many of you have emailed me to ask what is the best goal Grazioli ever scored for the Mighty Barnet. It's a tough choice and I apologise to Geoffrey and others who have been waiting over a year for my considered answer.

How about this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGpbZc4fWj8

[imaginary friend]

I suppose that the goal could be considered Art,
since it's definitely not Music or Writing, and Grazioli
isn't a forum member - but oh wot the hell...

[mickey_one]

Imaginary Friend, over the years you have displayed a persistent prejudice against Graz. You know exactly why he is not a member here. He has not yet passed the "Forum Poem Test". As it happens I have access to the confidential submissions each of us made to Jarkko when we applied to join this part of the Files. In view of your ultra-aggressive post in this important thread, I have decided to release your email and Poem Test. I am calculatedly sacrificing your privacy as an exposure clearly in the Public Interest.

"Dear Mrs Jarkko,

June 22nd 2007

my name is Doris Alberta and I want to be a members of your forum. I am 11 year old and lives In part of America, called Canada. I likes poem and good writing. English is my second laguages after Canadian. I have been member before of different things. When I was younger I was members of Play-Group and nurserys. I also members of Islam Toddler Groups for Israel. I nearly had friend when I was 6 but mummy said he was not real uncle and I mustn't eat his sweets any more and she wont let me visit him in prison. With Uncle away I feel sad and listen to Leopard Cohen as I like the big Cats very much.

Here is my Test Poem

"I live in Vancouver
when the floor is dirty I make it all better by using a
hoover!"

I hope you think this poem is very good. I am proud of it a lots.

Please please PLEASE let me join group. I will always be nice to peoples.

Dorothy."


Imaginary Friend (Dorothy), your solemn vow to be "nice to peoples" (do watch your use of singular and plural) was rather breached by your virulent, out-of-control, near-homicidal assault on Graz, wasn't it . What do you have to say now by way of apology.

Michael

[Cate]

I found this poem disappointing
Gorgonzola would be a more interesting topic and I found that the video had very little to do with cheese.

Many of you have emailed me to ask what is the best goal Grazioli ever scored for the Mighty Barnet. It's a tough choice and I apologise to Geoffrey and others who have been waiting over a year for my considered answer.

How about this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGpbZc4fWj8

I'm not really sure how you can help this bad poem... perhaps some random line breaks and some kind of mention of cheddar... maybe mention a shattered soul/torn spirit or something along those line for a touch of dramatic conflict.

[mickey_one]

I am so angry with Cate that I unhesicatelingly release her Test Poem for us all to mock. How Jarkko let her in is incomprehensible. Cate's poem is so obviously plagiaristic and, frankly, shockingly egoistic as well.

"November 6th 2007, Hi Jarkks, I'm Cate and I'm joining your group for Lonely Canadian artists, ha ha ha!!!! I hardly think I have to do a Test Poem as my fame lies before me. Ha ha ha!!!! Anyway, have one on me for free, Sexy!! ha ha ha!!!

"I'm Cate, I'm Cate
I'm a very important date.
No time to say hello, good-bye,
I'm Cate, I'm Cate, I'm Cate
I'm Cate and when I wave,
I lose the time I save.
My fuzzy ears and whiskers
Took me too much time to shave.
I run and then I hop, hop, hop,
I wish that I could fly.
There's danger if I dare to
Stop and here's a reason why:
I'm over-due, I'm in a Leonard stew.
Can't even say good-bye,
hello, I'm Cate, I'm Cate, I'm Cate "

damn good isn't it!!!

By the Way, in case you forget who I am, I'M CATE!!! ha ha ha!!

[Cate]

How did you get hold of this?!
This was a private submission (of very high quality I might add) as I’m sure I.F.’s was as well . I’m sorry that your strange poem about cheese was not very good but there’s no need to take it out on us.

[imaginary friend]

MICKEY-ONE,

(I AM USING ALLS CAPS BECAUSE I AM SHOUTING!)

HOW COULD YOU STOOP TO STRATEGIES LIKE THIS? MY SPELLING AND GRAMMAR IS NOW MUCH IMPROVED, THANKS TO THIS FORUM – ESPECIALLY THANKS TO MARISHA AND HARRY S. AND YOU - BOO HOO HOO (NOW I AM CRYING, BECAUSE YOU HAVE HURT MY FEELINGS TOO!)

WAIT 'TILL I FIND MY RED SHOES OR I TATTLE TO JARKKO. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST, YOU ARE IN BIG TROUBLE!

D. FRIEND

[kwills]

Brilliant! thanks for the laugh nice to see Mickey back.I do miss Marisha and her bananas though.

[mickey_one]

Brilliant! thanks for the laugh nice to see Mickey back.I do miss Marisha and her bananas though.

I am saddened that you felt the need to write such a deeply sarcastic and insensitive post, attacking my integrity. How different things were back in May 15th 2008 when you wrote the following rather pathetic begging letter to Jarkko.

"I live in Porthmadog, the base from which to explore all of Snowdonia; it is the gateway to the country’s most breathtaking National Park covering 840 square miles with its purple tipped mountains and forests.

From whichever direction the town is approached you cannot fail to be impressed by the town’s stunning setting. It is dominated on one side by a mountain known as ‘Moel y Gest' 262 metres above the town. To the North and East the wide expanse of the Glaslyn estuary, renowned as a haven for migrating birds and wildlife. extends dramatically towards the Snowdon range.

Porthmadog is a bustling town, full of individual shops and places to eat. It has with a strong and proud heritage, culture and community. The Welsh language is a key part of its identity, commonly spoken here and its people are particularly warm and friendly.

In this once great seaport, rich in maritime history and the home of the Ffestiniog Railway, you are ideally placed for visiting all of the main tourist attractions of Snowdonia on days out. With all the majesty of Snowdonia as a backdrop and a coastline with beaches second to none, you couldn't find a more attractive spot for a holiday.

Almost whatever you want from a holiday is available within easy reach of Porthmadog. Steam Railway buffs just love the place not only because of the Ffestiniog and Welsh Highland Railways. Jump on a train at either end of the town, enjoy the mountain scenery and talk endlessly of Fat Controllers, Thomas the Tank Engine and just everything there is to know about steam.

Travelling from the south, you enter into the town along the famous 'Cob', built to form the deep harbour from where great sailing ships carried around the world slate mined in Blaenau Ffestiniog. The Cob also carries the railway initially built to carry the slate from the quarries to the harbour.

And yet I am deeply unhappy. Please consider my Test Poem- I know it is completely useless but is the best I can do.

TEST POEM

I AM BUT A COG
IN THE LIFE OF PORTHMADOG
ONE DAY
I WENT OUT FOR A WALK
AND I FELL IN A BOG
AND THE VERY NEXT DAY
I WENT OUT IN THE FOG
AND THEN ABOUT 3 WEEKS LATER
I WENT OUT AND
FELL OFF A
LOG
SO APPROXIMATELY 5 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS AFTER THAT
I WENT HOME AND MADE MYSELF A SANDWICH
WHICH CONTAINED A MEAT CALLED
TURKEY.

Yes I know how easy it would have been to pretend that my sandwich contained "hog", but I have such a clear recollection that it was turkey and I will not compromise my integrity by tampering will-nilly with the historical narrative. Art is not about cheap easy lies, rather it is about expensive hard lies, and that has been my life so far. Jarrko, I am desperate, I would do anything to join the Forum, even tell you a bad joke- "How many sausages did you eat at the Forum today, Ceasar? " "Et tu Brute"

[kwills]

I must heartily protest! I did not gobble a Turkey I find it much too hard to swallow I tend to sp...anyway..ahem... it was most definately a HOG sandwich and how dare you tamper with my beautiful poem to Jarrko!

How do you know that I live in Porthmadog? Don't you know that I am a most secretive spy and must keep my location a secret otherwise my sweet boss V would hit the roof with me? I'm sure I only let Diane know for business reasons of course or did I tell Byron? Judy? Yorkshire Lad? Karren B?.. um ..anyway I should get I.F and her cat of nine tails to whip them into shape for letting slip my most secret location!!! (not Karren B though she would probably enjoy it too much!)

Talking of choof choofs my friend,my poor friend, had such a driving ambition to get run over by a steam train that when it finally happened he was chuffed to bits!

[Karren B]

kwills wrote
How do you know that I live in Porthmadog? Don't you know that I am a most secretive spy and must keep my location a secret otherwise my sweet boss V would hit the roof with me? I'm sure I only let Diane know for business reasons of course or did I tell Byron? Judy? Yorkshire Lad? Karren B?.. um ..anyway I should get I.F and her cat of nine tails to whip them into shape for letting slip my most secret location!!! (not Karren B though she would probably enjoy it too much!)

I would never divulge your secret location kwills but having an establishment that rivals 'The Fat Duck' (one of the top restaurants in the country) people were bound to find out sooner or later!

(not Karren B though she would probably enjoy it too much!)

I don't know what you mean??? 'I'm a Good Girl I am'...

Nice to see you kwills
Karren B
xx

[Violet]

I must heartily protest! I did not gobble a Turkey I find it much too hard to swallow I tend to sp...anyway..ahem... it was most definately a HOG sandwich and how dare you tamper with my beautiful poem to Jarrko!

How do you know that I live in Porthmadog? Don't you know that I am a most secretive spy and must keep my location a secret otherwise my sweet boss V would hit the roof with me? I'm sure I only let Diane know for business reasons of course or did I tell Byron? Judy? Yorkshire Lad? Karren B?.. um ..anyway I should get I.F and her cat of nine tails to whip them into shape for letting slip my most secret location!!! (not Karren B though she would probably enjoy it too much!)

Talking of choof choofs my friend,my poor friend, had such a driving ambition to get run over by a steam train that when it finally happened he was chuffed to bits!

.. b.b.. have you been blabbing again?

.. I thought I left you practicing your car chase maneuvers--how's that going [by the way]?

Anyway, now that your cover is blown, leave Porthmadog, and consider a more feline location.. [the Catsbar, possibly] [easy to get lost in there, I think] [though you might possibly start drinking again] [seems likely]

Okay, well.. signing off, for now..

pissed off in--Paris, actually. [come to think of it]

Pissed off in Paris,

Boss "M".. [hi K.. happy holidays to you, and all].. [xx]