Daddy's Little Princess.

[Violet]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-M3Q2zhGd4
FULL SCREEN..

.. my angel, I just caught the end of this Woody Allen flick earlier this evening.. [it always cracks me up, that film]. I had just gone to our lake, even though it was about to rain, so the gloomy weather is here again, it seems. [bleh]

.. still, it was nice to be there in the early evening, under the trees, with the water this sweetly luminous mirror at this time.. reflecting my thoughts.. always of you, my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9FAV3zr1 ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. now, as nicely as Diane Keaton does that number.. [in this wonderful filmic homage to her].. still, I somehow feel that if I myself ventured to finally bite the bullet--if I decided to be a torch singer of some kind, in other words.. [since it just might come to that, at this bleak point in time].. but, I mean, somehow I feel it would go more like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vcLmDTMa ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. on second thought, I think I better just stick to writing.. [probably].. [most likely].. [pretty sure]. [we'll see]

[sigh]

.. okay, well.. I thought I'd say an early good-night to you. I'll be up early tomorrow, and I hope to make some good progress this week toward finishing this segment I'm working on.

.. actually, I do realize it's the tenth anniversary of the indelible events of September 11th, but.. well, I'm rather boycotting the whole thing. In any case, I believe I'm dealing with that aspect of things given the writing I've been doing.. so.. I guess I'll leave things at that. I mean, when a culture comes up with a pathetic term like "truthers" to refer to those seeking.. what's that word again--oh, "justice".. [that's right].. well, then it's time for me to.. well, to try another route, I guess. [which just might be what I'm doing, in fact]

.. okay, my love.. the sweetest of dreams to you.. x.. (I miss you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjc-tUGrli0
FULL SCREEN..

.. xxx x.. x x.. x x x.. xx..

[Violet]

.. I just came upon this tonight, and thought it rather beautiful, my love. I've been missing you--although at least today, thankfully, there was no rain.. [as lovely as rain is on film]..

.. alright, I'm off to sleep land, and send you my little kiss.. x.. (hoping all is

wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. I was about to post something rather beautiful, yes.. and yet--rather sad 'n dreary, in fact.. and.. well, you know how youtube is.. they put all sorts of mix 'n matches together, and

okay: my inner Julie Andrews won out this time. I'm sorry, my love, but I'd rather leave you with this tonight. And yes, it's true, I do have an inner Julie Andrews.. (I believe this has come up before on this thread).. so.. well, okay, I do realize this doesn't necessarily mean you have an inner Christopher Plummer.. and.. well, I'm willing to accept that, if you're willing to accept that I DO have this inner Julie thing going on.. and it's been going on for a very long time, so it's not likely to go away, I don't think.. so.. (just thought I'd mention)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RNdl-HIk ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx x x.. xx x x..

[Violet]

.. my beloved, it's been extra tough today, as I've been hurting for you--more than usual, even. I guess I'm tired, too.. not enough sleep last night.. so.. need to pack it in, my love.

.. anyway, I've been getting some research done, so things are moving along.

.. okay, well, I'll leave you with this bit of loveliness.. and, of course, my little kiss.. x.. (you must know that I miss you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wiJPgmEqR0
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx..xx x.. xx x x.. xx..

[imaginary friend]

Dear Violet,

I haven't read your latest installment yet – waiting to have an hour or two of alone-time (wish me luck!) to do so.

...But I did discover a treasure of an interview, in 3 parts, which you must watch, so you can hear Agent Longing describing perfectly what Longing is.

viewtopic.php?f=7&t=28707&p=284732#p284732

XO

eeek! edited to correct spelling of installment...

[Violet]

It's gonna be September now for many years to come,
Every heart adjusting to that strict September drum.
I see the ghost of culture with numbers on his wrist,
Salute some new conclusion that all of us have missed.
So, let's drink to when it's over,
And let's drink to when we meet,
I'll be standing on the corner,
Where there used to be a street.

[Leonard reading from his notebook, at the end of "the Montreal Interview," NRK, 2006]


Thank you, I.F.. I just watched the whole interview, although I've watched it before. It was maybe good to see it today, as I'm having a difficult time of it just now.

Yes, I know of the "generalized longing" that Leonard speaks of here. Mine--of late, especially--becomes more of that.. oh, "personalized" longing.. and no, it is not very merciful at times.. but.. for some reason, it seems my "fuel" is this more personalized longing.. I don't why that is right now. I think I'm in this tricky place at this point in time. It's at the nexus of various things, perhaps, or choices, even.. although I don't see clearly the choices. My circumstances keep reducing things for me, and so I'm prone to feeling stuck, somehow, and yet, at the same time, I feel so determined to do the art--the story I'm writing, in this case--which involves.. well, a lot of things.. but, certainly, politics, and more personally, my past and present emotional life and challenges.

The part of me that feels to be alone--and that might well be the artist part--but it had found Leonard years ago, and I felt to be alone in that, too, as I didn't know people who felt about him as I did.. and I was fine with that, as I had this secret, in a way.. this artist that seemed to know me, and who had a mystery to him, in the way that he allowed a kind of mystery to enter him.. and so, it was to share in that mystery--with him, in a sense. And, in that, paradoxically, I was not an artist alone, as I had this ally. This artist who knew me, and who welcomed me in his own manner of aloneness. How could I have known that I'd be here now, and.. I don't know.. he's still there for me, only it's more close up now, and so it's hard to say much more about it.

I was so tired last night, I thought I'd fall right asleep. Instead, I had this enormous anxiety, which rarely happens to me. And I thought: where in my body is it housed? And it was right dead center in my heart. It was as if there was this stake going right through my heart, and I felt such pain there.

I went to the couch, and I lay there--looking out this little port hole like window.. and my mind started to write another of these posts, these letters I write to my beloved Leonard.. and I wept, too, very deeply. And I knew it was right that I wept, since my anxiousness was soothed somehow--oh, and I went out on the little porch outside, and saw the brightest full moon lighting up the entire night sky.

I feel to be in trouble with myself, but I've tried to use it to better things, in a way. I mean, I've been feeling better over all--oh, and this personalized longing I feel.. well, I know it's not obsession, which is important, since obsession I feel to be housed in the head--it's a madness that has little to do with the object involved. And, as I understand Irving Layton's line.. [the one I used in the last segment].. "We love in another's soul whatever of ourselves we can deposit in it. The greater the deposit, the greater the love".. it's that he, too, is not talking about obsession, but of love. And I feel this love in my heart, and not my head. It's interesting that Leonard spoke of feeling relaxed around people such as Roshi.. since I was thinking how this sort of love is such that one might relax -- almost recline in this love of another. To be oneself in the comfort of oneself, and another. To have such comfort shared. Although.. if it's someone.. I don't know.. who you feel can understand you.. in ways not easily shared with another person.. I guess it's back to this more "personalized" love, as opposed to that which is impersonal. A personalized longing, as opposed to this generalized longing one feels.

.. anyway, I feel to be allowing Leonard to comfort me somehow. I get tired of trying to understand it more than that. I know I just have to do my work, and try to keep well in every way there is to keep well, and, to accept that it's not for me to understand everything just now, since I feel I can't. And I know I can't control "outcomes".. so.. there's nothing for me but to just let go of all that.. and to trust that I'm doing what I need to do right now. To just trust that.. though it's not always easy.. am I anxious because I'm trying too hard to make sense of it all?.. Truly, I could cry today, still.. so it's--a rough patch I'm going through right now..

Thanks, I.F., for stopping by.

v. xx x

[Violet]

.. my beloved.. I'm back. But I'm afraid I really had to have more of a "me" day than anything else, although there's still some time to do some work, I guess. But I was feeling just too much like a wounded little violet flower earlier.. so.. now, I'm all exercised, and moisturized, and.. well, feeling a bit better about things. And yes, I did go to our lovely lake--whose run off waters [by the way] have been just furious of late, given all the rain up here. I mean, I have to say, these babbling brooks are an invigorating sight to see, as they run roughly down and around all these towering trees 'n rocks 'n things on the far side of that lake of ours. Oh, also: I saw a property name I'd not noticed before.. and yet.. will I remember it now?.. let me see..

....................................... uh............ [the pressure is on]....... oh. I can't remember the name exactly, but it evoked a quickie in a motel by a highway.. [that part I remember].. it was.. Something Something Inn.. [I'll have to remember to catch it next time].. Three Minute Inn??.. [no, that's not it].. [and anyway, you need an Inn and Out there, no?]

.. what else.. Okay, I adore you.

.. what else..

.. nothin', really. I guess, given all the weepiness last night, I was in a slightly delicate feeling state today, and so.. well.. anyway, I hope to get the sleep tonight I thought I'd be getting last night. Oh, I forgot to mention in that last post I wrote [that I'm afraid to re-read at this point] that I also have the hots for you. [just thought I should mention] I'm not sure how I left that out, but I guess I was in the trauma of the moment. [which is sort of a Buddhist thing, yes?]

[say g'night, Gracie]

.. okay.. so, I send my love to you, my angel.. my.. perfect perfect--Oh, I liked what you said about God in that interview, by the way. I mean, about how you have no respect for your own take on that concept.. [or something close to that, I think you said].. [you crack me up]

.. oh, I wanted to know what kind of cheese that was that you were spreading on the beautiful--gad, the word for that succulent [and rather sexy] fruit just left my brain.. not dates.. figs?.. must be figs.. anyway, it looked good. [you could have prepared that for me today, as I needed some attending to] [and that's all I'm gonna say on the matter]

.. alright, my love.. my angel.. my perfect perfect perfect specimen of a human being. [did you notice I added a 'perfect'?] Anyway, I will be okay. I just gotta get a grip, is all..

.. my little kiss to you.. x.. (and I so wish I were really kissing you).. anyway, let me see if youtube will be good to me tonight.. [one never knows..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjIGU4BCpn8
FULL SCREEN..

[he meant to say "Violet"]

.. xx x.. xx x xxx.. xx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. if I’m not around, or not writing you these lovely little love notes for a while, well, it’s not that I won’t be thinking about you.. it’s that I have to soberly reflect on some things, as I continue with this writing project. I’m realizing that, yes, I’m rather sad right now, but determined still, so I’ll just keep going with this. I mean, I rather like this story so far, even if it will need some changes no doubt once I’m done with the whole thing. But I’m rather liking it so far, so I am inspired to do it.

.. as to this sadness, well, it’s hard writing these little reflections on missing someone.. it’s hard, even when the person you’re missing you’ve never even met. I mean, to me, I feel to be closer to you just for having written you all these heartfelt notes, and so, in that sense it just gets harder and harder for me. Funny, how the heart is.. not very easily managed or controlled.

.. so.. we’ll see how I feel about things. But for now, I guess I’ll take a break from here, and reflect a bit.

I do plan on getting some good work done, so I might finish this next section very soon, and.. then I can evaluate what I need to do to finish this thing.

.. anyway, I miss you already. You’re lovely to love.. x..

.. which reminds me of that song I already posted for you, and yet that feels so..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Z8fyuGw5ek
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx x.. xx x x.. xxx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. my angel.. my perfect perfect specimen of a human being.. (I’m back to two ‘perfects' since I think it sounds better).. anyway, here’s the thing. Today I realized might not have been the best day for me to try to stop writing these little love notes to you, since it was a Gotham day, and.. well, as I’ve said before, I tend to continue with these letters to you in my head on Gotham days, in any event.. so.. (okay, so maybe I’m making up excuses not to stop)

Anyway, it’s not that I didn’t mean what I said about the difficulty of writing these notes to you. It is difficult.. but, the thing is, not writing them doesn’t exactly settle things, either.. so.. well, I guess, as usual, I just have to play things by ear.. and try not to stress over things I can’t quite get a handle on right now.. which, I guess means I’ll just write these lovely little love notes to you when it seems right that I do. [??]

.. anyway, I’m rather tired, but had a nice long lunch with a friend, which was a pleasant change from conversing with just the trees, and the rain.. (as poetic as that sometimes feels to be up here)

.. speaking of.. this is the film sequence I'd changed my mind about posting a while back, but it’s quite beautiful, I think.. this rather mournful cathedral of rain..

.. but first, my tender little kiss to you.. x..

.. actually, that reminds me.. I was thinking today that if my life were a film, it might consist of a woman doing rather ordinary things, like sitting in a cozy café and sipping her tea, while reading the paper, or staring out at a busy street corner.. only, cut into such shots would be—well, flashes of her with her lover, only very close up.. so that maybe you’d just be able to make out their lips as they kiss.. or his face as she tenderly touches it—all rather abstract, and sudden.. because that’s what happens to me sometimes.. I’m suddenly with you, entirely drawn in—and it’s almost a shock to snap out of it, and realize just where it is I really am (!)

.. (I miss you, my love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5MNmVd4 ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx.. xx x.. xx x x.. xx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. as I've said elsewhere today, I did catch up on some sleep, and hope to continue doing so this weekend, as I think that's been messing me up of late. I guess it's always something of a balancing act we all do on a day to day basis, and sometimes the dark at the end of the tunnel seems to win out, when one would wish it were otherwise.

.. so.. just thought I'd say that. I mean, I'm on the mend, in other words.. .. and mean to get some work done today.

It's still rather cloudy and damp in these parts, but I hope to get over to our lake later, as well.

.. anyway, I miss you.. and send my little kiss.. x.. (that it may find you well and happy and inspired).. (my angel)

.. oh, and, it's true I sometimes post certain songs more than once.. but, well, it's just that this one just popped into my head this very second, and so it must speak to how I'm feeling.. (my love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1vyA3kO0jM
FULL SCREEN..

.. x x.. xx x.. xxx x.. xxxx x..

[Violet]

.. my angel.. just taking a break here, and wanted to make note..

.. okay, so, it seems I’m at the place in my research where, once again, I have come face to face with the utter enormity of my ignorance. Yes, maybe I know a little bit about a bunch of things, but I’m afraid I know a great big bunch—about probably nothing.

.. consequently, I’m looking for shortcuts. Then I thought: wait a minute, maybe I should open your Book of Longing again, hunting for clues. I mean, clues as to what I might focus on, and what I might consider overlooking. [possibly] And, right away, I realized I could probably skip a whole bunch of tedious stuff I might otherwise have looked into on mystics.. thus clearing the way for a more copious examination of insects. [specifically, those connected to major (or even fictional) crime families]

.. anyway, I’ve yet to look at your book in quite that light yet, but I’m considering it.

Actually, I never got back to your poem on the Canadian Communists—discussing it, I mean—but I’m pretty sure I can probably skip Canada’s branch, and see what New Jersey might have to offer. [I’m tired, and just threw that one in there]

.. okay, so.. just letting you know, I’m still fighting the good fight.

.. ‘til later, my love.. x

.. actually.. given I'm in the midst of this sort of self analysis about things, I'm realizing that I probably took a wrong turn a long time ago, when I chose this guy as my overall mentor on things. For example, it didn't impress my professors when I suggested that Nietzsche exhibits all the hallmarks of lower back pain, and yet, here I think this theory to be somewhat redeemed. [thank heaven for youtube]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DE3OYSVp ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x xxx.. xx x..

much later edit: that there's an 's' in Nietzsche's name is news to me. [isn't that far too many consonants in a row?.. I mean.. ].. [my god]

[Violet]

IDLE HOUR INN.. that was the property name I couldn’t remember, my love. Not quite a quickie by the highway, it turns out, so much as a relaxed quickie by the highway. [though I hardly think idle] [my angel]

.. actually, I rode around the entire lake twice looking for that one. [believe it or not] It’s so cool out, and so it’s no sweat at all riding around our hilly little lake, my love.. it was quite relaxing, in fact.

HAPPY HOURS is another property name that I thought somehow went with the highway/motel fare. Certainly a few drinks beforehand never hurts. [though I don’t think it essential] My god, I was game for a three minute inn, if you recall, so I hardly think I need wining and dining beforehand. [I hope you realize this reflects more on my feelings about you, in particular, rather than any untowardness you might want to attribute to me] [generally speaking, I mean] [of course, in specific situations I can be persuaded] [but again, only by you.. ] [just to be clear]

.. what else..

.. oh, as for research, I did make one very astute observation today, which doesn’t always happen, so that’s definitely on the plus side.

.. on other matters of research.. I now understand the Holy Trinity far better than I ever had before, although I’m not sure that has any relevance whatsoever. [one of my problems with research is I tend to go on rather lengthy tangents that, strictly speaking, I really shouldn’t be going on]

.. anyway, I now know that, as far as the orthodox view goes: God IS the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.. whereas the Father is NOT the Son, nor is the Son the Holy Spirit, nor is the Holy Spirit the Father. [I’m so glad I got that cleared up]

.. actually, I just noticed this post consists of a quickie by the highway after a few drinks at happy hour, and the furthering of my theological knowledge.

.. okay, my love.. oh, one other thing I’d mention is that.. well.. [at night this usually happens].. I sometimes give myself just the hardest time as concerns my shamelessly wooing you in these little love notes. I guess it’s what led to that panic I went through recently, and.. well, it can lead to my just feeling like crap about myself somehow. Only, then the morning comes, and.. well, I awake to find I have all this love and longing for you, and..

.. well, that’s the bind I’m presently in. [it’s really all your fault because you’re

.. actually.. what I was thinking reminded me of another old standard.. may as well see if I can find it.. [may as well].. you’ve charmed me, and I want you.. and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFCk8xYnLEw
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx.. x x x.. xx x x x.. xx x..

.. oh, and that special one.. x.. (my love)

[later edits: I probably shouldn't come back here, since I always find something]..

[Violet]

.. okay, I just wanted to mention, my angel, that I decided to watch the Emmys, of all things, since I rarely watch television [other than old movies], and so I thought I'd catch up on all the cra--uh, culture I've been missing.. so.. I was watching watching watching.. [nice dress.. oh, no, awful dress--what was she thinking??.. nice hair.. suit.. etc.].. only, then a bunch of men in black suits take the stage all singing your Hallelujah song.. and.. okay, I can't say I loved their rendition or anything, but just hearing your song in the middle of the Emmys.. well.. okay, it rather turned me on.. [have to say].. it just did.

.. so.. just thought I'd mention it.. x.. (my love)

[Violet]

.. my god, I awoke with that ten-ton-brick-on-my-chest feeling, my love. Aside from the doom-and-gloom weather that's just returned, I can only think it has something to do with your birthday, since I feel to want to be with you.

.. I was thinking yesterday I would like to find you a bunch of little, obscure artifacts or something that I might wrap up in itsy bitsy packages--you know, like Julie's "brown paper packages tied up with strings" sort of thing. I have no idea what little obscure items I might have come up with, either. I can't imagine, actually..

.. only then I realized the best present I could give you would be to finish this next segment of Agent Longing's and Violet's story.. so I'll see how I do today. I'm pretty sure I won't have it finished by tomorrow, but I can give it the ol' college try, at least.

.. okay, so, enough of being sad and gloomy. I just won't give in to that sort of thing today. Just won't do it.

.. oh, last night I was watching the fairly recently restored, 1948 Michael Powell/Emeric Pressburger film, The Red Shoes. It's a film that Martin Scorsese has been wild about since he was a child, and so he was responsible for the restoration. It was shot in Technicolor, which means.. well, as a filmmaker, it's really to be a painter, actually. In post production you literally choose the colors of your film with a color technician, and the result is a quality that is quite painterly. The dance sequences especially are just incredible, so I thought I'd give you a sample here. It's from the big dance number of the film, actually.. and I think you'll see what I mean as to its rather stunning, visual quality. [though keep in mind it's youtube, and not full resolution]
.. actually, story wise, I'm noticing that between Dorothy's ruby slippers and this poor ballerina's "red shoes".. red footwear is not something a woman should go into very lightly. [it seems to attract trouble]

.. my love to you, my angel.. x.. and more birthday wishes..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BksDeYMlbMo
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx x.. xx x x x..

[Violet]

.. my love--a most Happy Birthday to you today!.. [I smother you with love and kisses.. xx xx xxx x x]..

.. and, um, no--I'm not quite ready to post the next section of our story.. but that will be finished soon. The writing part I enjoy, it's the "figuring stuff out" part that gets frustrating sometimes.

.. anyway, below I've uploaded a still from an "art film" I did a few years ago now.. [thought it seemed a good pic to use for today].. so, yes.. cake is sometimes my medium. [though not lately due to budget constraints] [film wise, I mean.. not cake wise] [cake is still surprisingly affordable].. [oh, and yes.. I may have to switch to digital, at some point.. and yet.. well.. I have this "thing" about celluloid].. [what can I say]

.. oh, I wanted to mention.. [as my own birthday is coming up on Sunday].. that [as far as I know] you happen to be a Virgo on the cusp of Libra, and I happen to be a Libra on the cusp of Virgo.. so, it seems we share a cusp. [??].. [not sure what that means, exactly].. ALSO: .. [and this is all information given to me by that one astrologist who I felt to be gifted, and who did my natal chart quite some time ago now].. but, in addition to this cusp thing, it seems I have some Virgo "influence" in my chart.. AND.. Virgo [according to some, at least] is without a ruling planet, which is why those with Virgo in their charts are often misunderstood. [probably good to know].. Librans, on the other hand, she described as not having a very strong identity--I don't recall why she said that, though I'd wager that when one is weighing everything, and seeing both sides of everything, it might not make for the most "fixed" take on things, and yet.. well, I think it forces some manner of identity to emerge, in light of that.. [possibly].. so.. I'm not sure I agree with her on that entirely.

.. okay, my love.. my angel.. my perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect specimen of a human being.. .. anyway, I thought I'd go over these crucial astrological facts for you for your birthday. Have a wonderful time today.. and I promise to work hard on our story.. and, well, I miss you.. x

.. oh, and.. as I was threatening this number just yesterday, I think it was.. although.. well, a part of me hates to inflict this on you.. but.. well, I feel the need to maybe break you in gently on this particular aspect of my multifaceted personality.. (my darling).. anyway, it's a song that contains good advice, I find.. oh, and just know that all these wonderful things are all for you, today.. (my dearest dearest love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33o32C0ogVM
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xxx x.. xxx x x.. xxx x..

[LATER NOTE: I've removed this image, as it was a timely thing that I share it]

[Violet]

.. my love, it's funny.. I'm feeling somehow excited today, and all because it's your birthday, I guess. [??].. I'm just all, I don't know, excited for some reason.. [and I've been writing, too]

.. well, I'm about to go to our lovely lake, and thought to send you some flowers.. and.. well, another one of these.. x..