John Rolf Hecht

[lazariuk]

There are some men
who can enter a room
with such integrity
that other men
become better men
Such a man was John

He didn't smile a lot
but his smile
could lift heavy weights

He introduced me to K.

Before we began
what was to be
a very long conversation
K. wanted me to know
he thought an engagement
with the mind of John
was like meeting a lance
that divided what you knew
from what you thought
you knew
It took me years
to see that meant
the part we knew
was on the very tip
of the lance
that pierced the world

John was always dressed well
His shoes were always shined
His nails were well manicured
He knew well all the materials
of the clothes that he wore
and he wore them proudly
and he walked in them proudly
that day as I watched him
from my place in the window
in the late autumn in Vancouver
when the rains start to come
and the coat he was wearing
showed that he was rich
as he passed many buildings
that his company owned
and he came to a street corner
where a mother with her hands full
left a small boy to fend for himself
for a moment in the drenching rain
and I saw John without a pause
lift the boy over the large puddle
so he could be with his mother
safe on the other side
What I also saw was that John
had not a moments care
that the boy's boots were
covered with mud and much
remained on his very rich coat
I got the image in my mind
of mountain faced
by a man
as rich and as grim
as Attila the Hun
who could also bend to a child
as poor and as joyful
as Francis of Assisi

[iveta]

the first stanza sounds like impressive epitaph and the rest of the poem like poignant sermon praise
nice to know about tiny bits of immortality inside of men

[lazariuk]

the first stanza sounds like impressive epitaph and the rest of the poem like poignant sermon praise
nice to know about tiny bits of immortality inside of men

Thanks iveta
I am pretty sure you showed me a way to make this much better. It will take a bit but there will be changes.

[Red Poppy]

I liked this a lot.
Might I make two suggestions:
"that his own company owned..."
Suggest you drop the "own" as it clashes with "owned."
"...of mountain faced man..."
Suggest you insert "a" before mountain.
Just suggestions.

[lazariuk]

I liked this a lot.
Might I make two suggestions:
"that his own company owned..."
Suggest you drop the "own" as it clashes with "owned."
"...of mountain faced man..."
Suggest you insert "a" before mountain.
Just suggestions.

Thanks
I agree with you about the own and dealt with it.
I see the whole mountain thing needs a major rewrite and am working on it. I don't see how people could ever write anything worthwhile without this kind of feedback.

[Lion of Lions]

I have been pm'd by a regular here who said you have written a poem that is "not too bad" and does not contain any obvious "dispreached by the diamonds under his knees" moment! I agree, this is way better than your normal standard.

a few comments below, some of which are serious.

"]There are some men
who can enter a room
with such integrity

I prefer
"who can enter a room
with a mortice key"


that other men
become better men
Such a man was John

He didn't smile a lot
but his smile
could lift heavy weights

He introduced me to K.

isolating this line doesn't work

Before we began
what was to be
a very long conversation
K. wanted me to know
he thought an engagement
with the mind of John
was like meeting a lance

I suggest
"was like meeting a Lance Corporal"
that brings the man more alive than your version

that divided what you knew
from what you thought
you knew
It took me years
to see that meant
the part we knew
was on the very tip
of the lance
that pierced the world

John was always dressed well
His shoes were always shined
His nails were well manicured
He knew well all the materials
of the clothes that he wore
and he wore them proudly
and he walked in them proudly
that day as I watched him
from my place in the window
in the late autumn in Vancouver
when the rains start to come
and the coat he was wearing
showed that he was rich
as he passed many buildings
that his company owned
and he came to a street corner
where a mother with her hands full
left a small boy to fend for himself

"fend for himself" is too clichéd for my taste

for a moment in the drenching rain

"drenching" is too clichéd

and I saw John without a pause
lift the boy over the large puddle

"poodle" would bring the story to life. I think it would make more sense if the boy was terrified of dogs and the soldier heroically saved him.

so he could be with his mother
safe on the other side
What I also saw was that John
had not a moments care

missing apostrophe above

that the boy's boots were
covered with mud and much
remained on his very rich coat

can't you find a more imaginative description than "very rich" for the coat

I got the image in my mind
of mountain faced
by a man
as rich and as grim
as Attila the Hun

who was "rich and grim", the man or the mountain? If you mean the man I get no earlier impression that he is grim, more like graceful


who could also bend to a child
as poor and as joyful
as Francis of Assisi[/quote]

I know that Francis of Assisi was an A list Celeb in his time, but to make your poem appeal to younger folk I suggest you change it to Andre Agassi

[Lion of Lions]

I believe that I have kept the integrity of the original but have just made the occasional tweak and, perhaps, improved the rhythm. PLEASE NOTE THAT MY POEM IS FULLY COPYRIGHTED AND YOU MAY NOT USE ANY OF THE WORDS, ALONE OR IN "SENTENCES", WITHOUT MY WRITTEN PERMISSION.


Rolf in the John- What the Hecht.


There are some men
who can enter a room
with a mortise key
and other men
become better men
such a man was John, Man.
He didn't smile a lot
due to faulty orthodontic work
when he was younger
and not yet a man.
The dentist man had really screwed up, Man
but his smile
could lift heavy jaws.
He introduced me to K.
and explained he hoped to find out
the rest of her name “real soon”,
But before we began
what was to be
a very dull and long conversation
K. wanted to know
if I wanted to get engaged
and have a threesome
with the mind of John,
who was like a Lance Corporal,
who divided what you knew
from what you thought
you knew.
It took me years
to realise I had no idea what that meant.
The party we knew
was on the very tip
of an iceberg
that pierced the world
or at least the Southern Hemisphere
but we weren't allowed in
without an invitation.
John always dressed well,
putting one leg at a time into his trousers
seemed to work better
than both at the same time.
His shoes were always shined
by a manservant whom he employed for $5 a week
His nails were well manicured,
and so was his hammer.
He knew well all the material details
about the clothes that he wore
and he wore them loudly
but he walked in them softly
that day as I watched him
from my plant pot in the window
in the late autumn in Vancouver
with my Queen who stayed under the couver
when the reins started to come off
and the coat he was wearing
showed that he was wearing inappropriate clothing
as he painted many buildings
that his company owned
and he came to a street corner prostitute,
a mother with her hands full of man,
who had left a small boy sitting on a fender by himself
for a moment in the wrenching rain
and I saw John without any paws
lift the boy over the large poodle,
who had lots of paws,
so he could be with his lover
who was a queen staying under the cover
safe on the other side.
What I also saw was that John
had not a moment’s healthcare insurance
yet the boy's boots were
covered with mud and much
diamonds were under his knees
and could have ruined his very ruche coat
I goat the image in my mind
of a mountain goat
buying a man
as rich and as grim
as Geoffrey the Norwegian
who could also bend to a child
as poor and as joyful
as Andre Agassi

[Alan Alda]

Show don't tell. This is basically an essay with line-breaks for the most part.

"John was always dressed well"....
then you go on to describe 'well dressed.' Why tell your reader he is was "...always well dressed..."?

Find another way to tell us he and his coat are "rich."

"What I also saw was that John
had not a moments care..."

Another completely essay-esque and unncessary 'telling' of the obvious (via the text).

This stuff is easily caught with little effort.

I also think maybe the piece should start with:
"He introduced me to K."
The beginning part is like liner-notes.

trying to be helpful in the big picture (as usual).

L

[Lion of Lions]

Alan, try to make your crits more constructive. Please read my posts above and learn how to do it all proper-like.

Weirdly, despite all the faults you mention and I parody, this has more rhythm than anything I can remember the dispreacher guy ever posting.

[lazariuk]

I have been pm'd by a regular here who said you have written a poem that is "not too bad" and does not contain any obvious "dispreached by the diamonds under his knees" moment! I agree, this is way better than your normal standard.

You certainly have a hard time staying away from me. I don't expect you to be able to appreciate the genius that is evident in my little Dispreached song. It is on a whole different level than you are capable of. Whereas a little poem like the John Rolf Hecht is something that I would like anyone to be able to say, and so I will certainly appreciate your comments.
Dispreached is something that I am writing to be sung by Jessye Norman as maybe an improvement on her singing the Aria from Samson and Delilah. that instead of dragging Delilah from the dead to be singing sorrowfully to get Samson to drop his sword and speak loving words to her that maybe we can have a chorus sing out the riddle that unriddled Samson and have Jessye play the part of Samson's unnamed first wife singing my little song of jubilation. I just love her smile. I have some vocal experts working on some of the sounds.

You know, I can't help myself. I have a very beautiful mind and whenever it brings me an image I will stick with it through thick and thin, no matter how much people may laugh and scorn me until I am assured I have realized the full beauty of it. I'll give you an example.

I have an image of two vultures circling some dying bodies and one says to the other "So what were you before you became a grief counsellor? the other says "a lawyer" I mean once that image takes hold in my brain and you have to admit it is a pretty captivating image, I just won't let go until I see the beauty in it and by beauty I mean compassion.

Anyway thanks for your many comments. maybe some day I will be able to return the favor.

[Lion of Lions]

I have been pm'd by a regular here who said you have written a poem that is "not too bad" and does not contain any obvious "dispreached by the diamonds under his knees" moment! I agree, this is way better than your normal standard.

You certainly have a hard time staying away from me. I don't expect you to be able to appreciate the genius that is evident in my little Dispreached song. It is on a whole different level than you are capable of. Whereas a little poem like the John Rolf Hecht is something that I would like anyone to be able to say, and so I will certainly appreciate your comments.
Dispreached is something that I am writing to be sung by Jessye Norman as maybe an improvement on her singing the Aria from Samson and Delilah. that instead of dragging Delilah from the dead to be singing sorrowfully to get Samson to drop his sword and speak loving words to her that maybe we can have a chorus sing out the riddle that unriddled Samson and have Jessye play the part of Samson's unnamed first wife singing my little song of jubilation. I just love her smile. I have some vocal experts working on some of the sounds.

You know, I can't help myself. I have a very beautiful mind and whenever it brings me an image I will stick with it through thick and thin, no matter how much people may laugh and scorn me until I am assured I have realized the full beauty of it. I'll give you an example.

I have an image of two vultures circling some dying bodies and one says to the other "So what were you before you became a grief counsellor? the other says "a lawyer" I mean once that image takes hold in my brain and you have to admit it is a pretty captivating image, I just won't let go until I see the beauty in it and by beauty I mean compassion.

Anyway thanks for your many comments. maybe some day I will be able to return the favor.

Hey, every man is entitled to his own stubbornness. It is rather sweet to imagine you as a kid caught with your hand in the cookie-jar, and crumbs all over your face defiantly weeping "I haven't touched the cookies, mommy. I haven't, I haven't, I haven't".

Yes, your "dispreached" effort was really good, really really good, jolly fine writing, yes it was, yes it was, I KNOW it was.

Mommy. "Here's a tissue, little Jack, wipe the crumbs away and wipe away the tears as well".

I think your vulture image would work better if you changed it to "defense lawyer" but it's your fantasy not mine..

[Alan Alda]

Alan, try to make your crits more constructive. Please read my posts above and learn how to do it all proper-like.

Weirdly, despite all the faults you mention and I parody, this has more rhythm than anything I can remember the dispreacher guy ever posting.

Thanks for the first laugh of the morning.
So, you're a member of the Poetry Police Squad. Sorry, I don't follow rules.
cheers,
Laurie

[Lion of Lions]

Alan, try to make your crits more constructive. Please read my posts above and learn how to do it all proper-like.

Weirdly, despite all the faults you mention and I parody, this has more rhythm than anything I can remember the dispreacher guy ever posting.

Thanks for the first laugh of the morning.
So, you're a member of the Poetry Police Squad. Sorry, I don't follow rules.
cheers,
Laurie

how short is your memory, we are both in charge of the Poetry Forum Militant Wing.

[tinderella]

Jack... why do you keep entering the gladiators arena?............. you know each time you do you will be bloodied and battered

[lazariuk]

Yes, your "dispreached" effort was really good, really really good, jolly fine writing, yes it was, yes it was, I KNOW it was.

Well that is certainly a start. As you grow you will come to see how good and then way past good. As it is I still feel a little hesitation in your words.