the lake
- tom.d.stiller
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- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2003 8:18 am
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the lake
the lake
look at this inoffensive lake
between the mountains and the plains:
birds come to rest on their way south
and then again in spring for north is home
in summer men from distant woods
gather on its shore to calm
exhausted spirits down, a flock
of lost horizons crowds my sight
in winter only i will walk the lake
i cross the frozen water
and on the other side i sit
down to build a snowman in my mind
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I want to dedicate these lines to the forum member posting as linda_lakeside, for example because she sure deserves a thread, but not the one previously dedicated to her.
tom
look at this inoffensive lake
between the mountains and the plains:
birds come to rest on their way south
and then again in spring for north is home
in summer men from distant woods
gather on its shore to calm
exhausted spirits down, a flock
of lost horizons crowds my sight
in winter only i will walk the lake
i cross the frozen water
and on the other side i sit
down to build a snowman in my mind
------------------------
I want to dedicate these lines to the forum member posting as linda_lakeside, for example because she sure deserves a thread, but not the one previously dedicated to her.
tom
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- Posts: 1533
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- Location: Hello Lovely Flowers, Hello Lovely Trees
well done! I had also thought of writing her a verse and may still do so before I go away this weekend. there was nothing wrong at all with my previous LL thread, just weirdly misunderstood by (more than?) one casual reader.
Linda has no reason routinely to discount here contributions and I was perhaps the first publicly to suggest she stops doing so.
Linda has no reason routinely to discount here contributions and I was perhaps the first publicly to suggest she stops doing so.
- linda_lakeside
- Posts: 3857
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- Location: By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea..
- linda_lakeside
- Posts: 3857
- Joined: Mon Sep 13, 2004 3:08 pm
- Location: By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea..
Tom~
I started to crit this earlier in the week, but in the process my computer blinked out and I got side-tracked...
Stanza 2: I think the use of "woods" in line one could be replaced by something that is more 'stressful.' To explain my thought process: if they are living in the 'woods' already, it does not imply a highly stressful lifestyle (unless you are terrified of spiders/bears/etc). Seriously, i think bringing the stressed out masses in from cities would work better.
Also in the same stanza, i think that "down" is superfluous.
I like everything about stanza 3. Also throughout the poem, I like your line breaks.
Very nice poem. Enjoyed it much.
regards,
Laurie
p.s. i am building a snowman in my mind as i type...brrrr
I started to crit this earlier in the week, but in the process my computer blinked out and I got side-tracked...
I like how it grabs you, right away in sharp focus-but i think that "inoffensive" is expendable. A bit too judgemental, you know? Regardless, the opening stanza does create a vista that your readers can customize in their minds; down to what sort of birds might be migrating.the lake
look at this inoffensive lake
between the mountains and the plains:
birds come to rest on their way south
and then again in spring for north is home
in summer men from distant woods
gather on its shore to calm
exhausted spirits down, a flock
of lost horizons crowds my sight
in winter only i will walk the lake
i cross the frozen water
and on the other side i sit
down to build a snowman in my mind
Stanza 2: I think the use of "woods" in line one could be replaced by something that is more 'stressful.' To explain my thought process: if they are living in the 'woods' already, it does not imply a highly stressful lifestyle (unless you are terrified of spiders/bears/etc). Seriously, i think bringing the stressed out masses in from cities would work better.
Also in the same stanza, i think that "down" is superfluous.
I like everything about stanza 3. Also throughout the poem, I like your line breaks.
Very nice poem. Enjoyed it much.
regards,
Laurie
p.s. i am building a snowman in my mind as i type...brrrr
- tom.d.stiller
- Posts: 1213
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2003 8:18 am
- Location: ... between the lines ...
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Laurie -
thank you for taking the time to read and crit "the lake".
You brought forth some valid points, and I'll have to think about them some more. Currently I believe that the attribution of "inoffensiveness" to the lake is what gives a "face" to the lake that isn't really described. But I might be wrong there...
And I ponder replacing the "woods" by a more urban reference without destroying the rhythm of the stanza. For the same reason I presently tend to keep the "down" in the second stanza, though I admit it is not indispensable.
Thanks again for your helpful remarks. I'll come back to this later, though later might mean "after my three week vacation"...
Cheers
tom
PS: Please keep yourself warm while building that snowman...
thank you for taking the time to read and crit "the lake".
You brought forth some valid points, and I'll have to think about them some more. Currently I believe that the attribution of "inoffensiveness" to the lake is what gives a "face" to the lake that isn't really described. But I might be wrong there...
And I ponder replacing the "woods" by a more urban reference without destroying the rhythm of the stanza. For the same reason I presently tend to keep the "down" in the second stanza, though I admit it is not indispensable.
Thanks again for your helpful remarks. I'll come back to this later, though later might mean "after my three week vacation"...
Cheers
tom
PS: Please keep yourself warm while building that snowman...
- tom.d.stiller
- Posts: 1213
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2003 8:18 am
- Location: ... between the lines ...
- Contact:
- tom.d.stiller
- Posts: 1213
- Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2003 8:18 am
- Location: ... between the lines ...
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Re:
Did Mickey_One ever deliver? I don't believe he ever did.linda_lakeside wrote: ↑Thu Jul 14, 2005 11:21 pm Mickey_One,
I am looking forward to your verse - with near urgent anticipation.
Linda.