Summer Air

This is for your own works!!!
jmflash
Posts: 52
Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2003 12:09 am

Summer Air

Postby jmflash » Thu Feb 19, 2004 4:54 pm

With the sun nearing high noon,
Summer rays glazed the skin,
And pulled for the sweet smell of sweat.
Subtle waves came one after another,
Gently rocking the boat.

As the lone sailor laid,
With bare feet and sleeves rolled up,
He gulped the summer air.
Looking over the blue desert,
Past the city skyline,
He noticed there was something in common
--------------between the wooden boat,
--------------and the water of the lake,
--------------and the green trees on the shore,
--------------and the buildings in the distance,
--------------and the birds soaring in the sky.
Last edited by jmflash on Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Thu Feb 19, 2004 5:07 pm

Boy, JM, have you painted a picture that makes me want to be in it!

A great line....."and pulled for the sweet smell of sweat."

In the way of well-intended suggestions, I would love to have a break after the first three lines of your second verse, so I can luxuriate a little longer in the bliss of the moment, before the 'mind' enters in with the observations. Not that the observations themselves don't impart the same sense of 'oneness' as the preceding verses.

I'm also not sure about the repetition of all the "and"s, either, but have no specific suggestions. Perhaps ellipses in the place of the "and"s, and then leave the last line as is? Or, perhaps, no ellipses, but a line of space between each image, to give the reader 'time and space' to take it in, and still omitting the "and"s; then, still, leaving the last line, as is. It's a poem of such lovely tranquility that it's a shame to have to rush through it. Laurie may have another approach to that. With my not being a poet, feel free to tell me I'm all wet :roll: :wink: .

A very appealing day, in any case, especially on this more-than-chilly morning where I'm at :D .

~ Lizzy
LaurieAK
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Postby LaurieAK » Thu Feb 19, 2004 8:19 pm

jmflash~

I like the soothing tones of your poem. And the sort of 'snapshot' approach of painting a few moments in time.

Please understand i am not a "poet" and am struggling along as much as the next fool. That said i will toss in things to ponder. Doesn't mean what is there already is not perfectly fine:

Stanza 1

"pulled" could be "pulling" or
metaphorically: thirsty/hungry, etc...instead of "and pulled"

"...rocking the boat." is a cliche. Gotta watch out for those. How else could you state this? Something uniquely your take on this action can be found.

Stanza 2

"Looking over the blue desert."

in this line i would want to put an adjective btwn 'the' and 'blue' (bumpy, salty, soggy, etc) p.s. Bad suggestions!

Although the poem ends in a poignant message. I think you could use a line or so that ties that common thread that you speak of. I think the way it is leaves too much 'interpretation' room for the reader. Don't make us work sooo hard. What would you Really like us to see that You see?

I really do like this poem. I hope you are not discouraged by my meager input...it is meant to inspire you even more than you already are. Cheers, Laurie
Arno
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Location: Munich, Germany

Postby Arno » Thu Feb 19, 2004 9:10 pm

First of all, I like your poem very much. I just sit over some poem criticising everything from politics to my current neighbor, and your poem in a way was some kind of holiday for my thoughts... :D

although Liz doesnt like the repetition of the and's in the last four lines, they kinda did the trick for me... it dragged me really into the picture and made me feel like all those positive pictures break in on me all at once (in a positive sense).
but that's just my opinion

gee, I should write more happy poems...

Arno
jmflash
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Joined: Sun Aug 17, 2003 12:09 am

Postby jmflash » Thu Feb 19, 2004 11:10 pm

Thanks for the comments. Liz, this is how the poem originally looked, though without the dashes. When I posted it the indentions were taken out. I hope this makes the last five lines more accessible. Otherwise I would agree with you about the 'and' s. Laurie I agree with you too that the poem has some cliches, but I thought I could get away with it because the ending is supposed to be the main focus. Maybe I'll keep working on it though.
babz
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA

Postby babz » Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:29 am

I, too, like this poem.

Summer rays glazed the skin, don't need comma?
And pulled for the sweet smell of sweat.

This is the problematic line. 'pulled for' is idiomatic 'rooting for'
it sounds like a line from a non-English speaker
/And pulled out the sweet smell of sweat/

As the lone sailor laid, I didn't look it up but I think "lay" is correct
With bare feet and sleeves rolled up,

Try to picture the bare feet rolled up! not good

He gulped the summer air. Why gulped? as if drowning? and after gentle and subtle?


He noticed there was [something in common] you can improve this
--------------between the wooden boat,

If you use between you imply a comparison of TWO so the meaning would perforce be: between the wooden boat and the water of the lake
between the wooden boat and the green trees on the shore
between the wooden boat and the buildings in the distance

but is that what you meant?

Definitely worth working on :D

Babz
babz
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Postby babz » Fri Feb 20, 2004 1:32 am

Ooops, I forgot

Title: Blue Desert
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Fri Feb 20, 2004 2:23 am

Hi JM ~

Babz is right with the connotation of the "pulled for" ~ yet, her suggestion that corrects that situation, "pulled out" also makes the sweat emerging be in the past tense. I see the "pulled" as a hypothetically literal :wink: pulling. When I read "pulled for," I imagined the sun's rays being like ropes reaching out from the sun. Even though, technically, the sun would be doing the pulling, if the rays were like arms attached to it, the rays to me still seemed to be attached to both the sun and the sweat, and were doing the pulling. They were pulling, 'for' the sweat to come forth [as though, somehow, attached down inside the skin to the sweat itself], which it hadn't necessarily done yet. The other sense I see it in is as a magnetic field and how they are still pulling, 'for' the sweat to emerge.

~ Lizzy
babz
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Location: Pittsburgh, PA

Postby babz » Sun Feb 22, 2004 10:11 pm

Wow, Liz, this is downright poetic! :D
Why not try to work with this magnetic field?
It could be right there waiting for you to release it.
It may surprise you and come bursting out.

Love
Babz

Am I wrong in thinking the whole poem
is past tense? Oh why didn't I pay attention
during grammar class.
One's life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation, and compassion.
~Simone de Beauvoir
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Sun Feb 22, 2004 10:15 pm

You were probably too busy writing, Babz :wink: .

~ Lizzy

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