Leonard Cohen

This is for your own works!!!
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Kush
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Leonard Cohen

Postby Kush » Tue Jan 20, 2004 3:19 am

Leonard Cohen

A vibration
In the fifth dimension
Ejected a single beam of light
From a star…the Sun.
It crossed space
Until it reached
A small resting place…
The moon.
Now obeying the laws of our universe
The beam was directed
To strike its target with precision…
Earth
A cottage by the sea
An open window
And through the parted curtains
A woman's back; a little to the side
In erotic embrace
On a bed.
A single unit then
Of this impossible mixture…
Sweat and light
and lust
Reflected back from the lovers
And reached the retina
Of a writer.

Leonard Cohen, high and afar in the tower of song
Sitting by the window
Untidily peeled orange in hand
A moldy cup that once was for tea
Witnessed this great event
In its entirety.
And so he coughed once, softly
And came down to write
"On a bed where the moon has been sweating".
A concord of man and cosmos
Insignificant and immense
For one line of love.
Last edited by Kush on Thu Jan 29, 2004 6:42 am, edited 4 times in total.
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Tue Jan 20, 2004 4:33 am

WoW, Kush :D !

When you finally do it, you go for the jugular! An excellent blend of science and art, coming together in life. I'm very taken by the amazing movement in your poem, and how subtly it all melds. As I read it, I felt like that beam of light, going from one part of the universe to another, then reflected back into Leonard's eye. This is really excellent! So many elements, from such a revolving variety of perspectives 8) . Truly inspired, and it still, all comes down to Leonard :D . I sincerely hope you'll be writing more. [Where's Makera!?!]

I love this :D !!!

~ Elizabeth
George.Wright
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Postby George.Wright » Tue Jan 20, 2004 2:09 pm

Kush, nice piece of writing, i'm impressed.
Georges
I am a right bad ass, dankish prince and I love my Violet to bits.
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greta
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Postby greta » Tue Jan 20, 2004 3:44 pm

wow! I'm stunned!!!
what a great poem!
Moonlight
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Postby Moonlight » Tue Jan 20, 2004 3:46 pm

Not too shabby for a non-poet. I didn't care for the fifth dimension vibration but the rest of it was o.k.



M
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Tue Jan 20, 2004 4:24 pm

I very much liked the vibration in the fifth dimension. Beautiful development on the theme of light and reflection, and origins.
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Kush
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Postby Kush » Tue Jan 20, 2004 6:14 pm

Thanks very much for all the applause. But criticism quite welcome too if anybody wants to speak their mind - i do it all the time. :D
Moonlight....the vibration in the fifth dimension is not out of the blue. Current string theory of universe suggests (but does not prove) that light and force itself is a vibration of higher spatial dimensions that we of the 3-dimensional world cannot conceive. Since time is conventionally the 4th dimension I used light as a vibration of the unknown fifth. There may be as many as 10 dimensions.
On that note I'd like to recomend to Pete the book "Hyperspace" by Michio Kaku - since he was the one who originally recommended "Flatland: A Romance of many Dimensions" on this board. You may enjoy it.
I didnt myself care too much for the very last line - sort of a needless addition I thought - but nevertheless left it in.
"You came to us seeking answers but this is a place for questions" - Koroth (Klingon elder),
Star Trek TNG, Rightful Heir, Ep 23, Season 6
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Wed Jan 21, 2004 12:52 am

Kush ~

Your explanation to Moonlight regarding the light and 5th dimension was the essence of what I was alluding to; however, lacking the specific details of it, I tried to encapsulate it with "origins."

I had your initial reaction to the last line, as well; however, it seemed to swoop the poem back out into the larger perspective of Leonard's work, so I felt it was fine.....kind of a punctuation of time/light travel, with just a tad more of it :D .

I really like that you wrote an entire poem, with its own complexities, about the writing of a single line from a love song. 'Kush's Saganist Love Poems'

~ Elizabeth
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margaret
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Postby margaret » Thu Jan 22, 2004 1:07 am

How about this as a substitute for the last line?

"All for the love of love itself"

just a suggestion from another non-poet :)
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Kush
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Postby Kush » Thu Jan 22, 2004 4:57 am

First of all Margaret thanks very much for the comment. Since you brought it up too it convinced me that my last line fell flat and needed changing. And Lizzytysh's last comment about the Saganist Love poem set me thinking and I had an idea of how I wanted it to end.....so here's my alternative ending.
And I love the term non-poet...no pressure !!! :)
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Thu Jan 22, 2004 5:28 am

....and my preference is to have your last line, be your last line, absent the three newly-inserted ones preceding it. I then see the 'line' of love, as the 'line' of light that travels from the sun to the moon to the earth across the woman's back to the bed and into Leonard's eye, where it finally becomes transformed for one line of love [the lyric itself], and the theme repeats itself again, with the final line of the poem being "for one line of love" [in itself, a very beautiful line].

It also creates a space for reflection for the reader to realize the expanses and the dimensions love can and will travel, simply for the creation of one line. The Saganistic qualities are already inherent in the poem and don't need explication. I feel letting that line stand alone, after your quote of the lyric, very simply, gives it space and allows it to work on multiple levels.

If I may borrow Margaret's disclaimer, as well.....from another non-poet,
Lizzytysh
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Kush
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Postby Kush » Thu Jan 22, 2004 7:55 am

Thanks for the suggestion and yes I agree it works equally well as you suggest. But when I wrote this i had a picture in my head of LC in a high tower of mythic proportions, the top above clouds and isolated, pictured against the immenseness of a starry night sky and all the various elements coming together at once for the generation of the precise lyric. I want to preserve that image even if it is only for myself and nobody else sees it. Nevertheless there is a redundant, invasive line and too many "ands" towards the end. So that's out. But this time it's in cyber-stone. :D
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Thu Jan 22, 2004 4:19 pm

....I wish I could see the progression right in front of me. However, it appears you simply removed one line, which does make it better. Even if I didn't, I will always hold to its being your poem, the images come from within you, and its yours to do as you wish.

I love the poem :D .
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Postby babz » Fri Jan 23, 2004 2:00 am

I love it Kush

If it were'nt set in cyber-stone
my one nit would be
eliminating
"insignificant and immense"

Not only do they NOT trip off the tongue
They needlessly echo 'man' and 'cosmos'
from the previous line...
like me need to be told man is insignificant and
the cosmos immense.

so I would love to say:
a concord of man and cosmos
for one line of love

This really is a very moving poem.
Thank you.

Babz
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lizzytysh
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Postby lizzytysh » Fri Jan 23, 2004 4:06 am

Hi Kush ~

I agree with her reasoning in the feedback that Babz has given you for eliminating the additional line. It really could end up a lovely 'compromise,' of sorts ~ eliminate two lines, keep two lines. Still up to you, of course :D .

~ Lizzytysh

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