Fourteen

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Manna
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Location: Where clouds go to die

Fourteen

Post by Manna »

He was harder than frozen butter;
how painfully he begged.

She trembled in the sweating tent,
wetter than melted butter.

He poked his finger into the soft
of her brand new bra-less booby.

How quietly she finally
sighed an ivory flower

into an evanescent cloud.
How cold were his thighs

in the sleeping bag.
She could do this kindness

while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.

______________________________________

Newer version:


He was harder than frozen butter,
and how painedly he begged.

She was trembling in the sweating tent
and wetter than melted butter.

He pressed his finger into the soft
of her new smooth booby.

How quietly she
sighed an ivory flower.

How cold were his thighs
in the sleeping bag.

She could do this kindness
while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.
Last edited by Manna on Thu May 14, 2009 9:07 pm, edited 5 times in total.
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piñata heart
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Re: Fourteen

Post by piñata heart »

Manna, this is simply peaches. The imagery is so evocative. It drums up a few memories of my own.

"She could do this kindness"

This is my favorite line. It's like a knife in my heart, and I mean that in a good way. It's a "soft knife", if you will. It's certainly no match against "frozen butter". :lol:

-ph
Cate
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Re: Fourteen

Post by Cate »

The language, so fits the tale of fourteen year olds. I like the connections from line to line - from frozen to pain, From heat to melting, then from melted butter to soft ...

He poked his finger into the soft
of her brand new bra-less booby.


You've certainly captured the caress of teenage boy. The use of the word New is great - newly bra-less, new boobies, new ways of playing...

ferns shadowed like evergreen
Nice metaphor for these two, by the way.

Cate

(edited to tone myself down a bit, I love it when you don't think you'll like something but it turns out to be good)
Manna
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Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: Fourteen

Post by Manna »

mildy edited:



He was harder than frozen butter,
and how painedly he begged.

She was trembling in the sweating tent
and wetter than melted butter.

He pressed his finger into the soft
of her new bra-less booby.

How quietly she
sighed an ivory flower.

How cold were his thighs
in the sleeping bag.

She could do this kindness
while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.
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Geoffrey
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Re: Fourteen

Post by Geoffrey »

Manna wrote:mildy edited:



He was harder than frozen butter,
and how painedly he begged.

She was trembling in the sweating tent
and wetter than melted butter.

He pressed his finger into the soft
of her new bra-less booby.

How quietly she
sighed an ivory flower.

How cold were his thighs
in the sleeping bag.

She could do this kindness
while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.

i take it this is about two unsupervised young adults with hormones running amok while on a camping holiday.
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Violet
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Re: Fourteen

Post by Violet »

Manna... I really really love "how quietly she sighed an ivory flower..." are you sure you needed to trim: "into an evanescent cloud," though... I thought that might be working as well... when I first read it I felt like I just entered heaven...

v i o l e t
Violet
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mat james
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Re: Fourteen

Post by mat james »

"She could do this kindness"
Ha!
I love the twisted, parabolic intent/motive pregnant in this line, Manna.

matbbgmephistoJ
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
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~greg
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Re: Fourteen

Post by ~greg »

manna wrote:mildy edited:
In other words, you were caught. just in time, that time.

Let us know when it's consummated.
Manna
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Re: Fourteen

Post by Manna »

~greg wrote:
manna wrote:mildy edited:
In other words, you were caught. just in time, that time.

Let us know when it's consummated.
Ha ha ha.
just a simple typo. I don't know any word mildy, let alone how its meaning is related to what you've said here. But I should let you know that I don't intend to eat my poems, so it will never be consummated, at least not by me.
Manna
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Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: Fourteen

Post by Manna »

Geoffrey - yes, that's pretty much it. It was a tent in a friend's back yard, so not really a camping trip, but I don't think that exact detail is all that important. I hope this topic does not inflame your sensibilities. Another detail I left out is that his mom showed up and took him away before it happened.

Ohhhhhhhhhh - so is that what you, Greg, were talking about? How could you know that? Gees, I was 14! It was never consummated, not with that guy, anyway.
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lizzytysh
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Re: Fourteen

Post by lizzytysh »

Greg ~
Ohhhhhhhhhh - so is that what you, Greg, were talking about? How could you know that?
Perhaps, it's time to reveal your real name ;-) .


~ Lizzy
"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
~ Oscar Wilde
lazariuk
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Re: Fourteen

Post by lazariuk »

Manna wrote: while ferns shadowed like evergreen
cartoons against the canvas.
What those lines did for me was place everything in moonlight where those inside the tent could see the ferns as giant evergreens and the word cartoons matches well that youth were involved.
And from outside the tent, on the same canvas I liked that the light inside was like moonlight where there was so much left unseen.
Moonlight is fine. I doubt that anything is helped by learning of mother turning off the moon. I could be wrong and maybe it would be fun to end the poem with "then mom turned off the moon"
Everything being said to you is true; Imagine of what it is true.
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Violet
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Re: Fourteen

Post by Violet »

... then mom turned off the moon.. and the lousy sun came out and made us all eat spinach instead...
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imaginary friend
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Re: Fourteen

Post by imaginary friend »

...it was probably the lousy son that told Mom what was going on out there in the first place.
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