To see you

This is for your own works!!!
Virginia
Posts: 69
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:09 pm

To see you

Post by Virginia » Tue Dec 02, 2008 5:25 pm

To see you
was to see the most handsome man on our street
and so well dressed
and such a smile.
You were the
warmth coming back off the summer footpath,
you were my happiness,
you were my love.
And over there
is the field where we made surreptitious love
and behind it
the deep black river.
lonndubh
Posts: 1213
Joined: Sun Mar 23, 2008 4:07 am
Location: Ireland

Re: To see you

Post by lonndubh » Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:53 pm

Hi Virginia
What a great word 'surreptitious'
Have to admit I had to double check the dictionary though.
And then there's that line
Virginia wrote:the deep black river.
Is there echoes of Neruda's " savage solitary soul here :?:
User avatar
mat james
Posts: 1791
Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 8:06 am
Location: Australia

Re: To see you

Post by mat james » Thu Dec 04, 2008 12:06 am

You were the
warmth coming back off the summer footpath,
You were in love once V, that is for sure.

This series of poems, echoing from that 'deep black river' are rich and filled with a past.
I love it, despite your pain.
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
Virginia
Posts: 69
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:09 pm

Re: To see you

Post by Virginia » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:15 am

Thanks lonndubh, thanks Mat!
User avatar
damellon
Posts: 1311
Joined: Thu Apr 12, 2007 4:19 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: To see you

Post by damellon » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:01 am

Hi Virginia
The word 'surreptitious' is the only word in this that jars for me. I think it takes from the mood.
Again you've created a really atmospheric piece.
I'd look forward to more, but that seems exploitative because they're all so sad.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

from Wild Geese
Mary Oliver
Cate
Posts: 3464
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 4:27 am

Re: To see you

Post by Cate » Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:43 pm

HI Virgina,

I enjoyed the placement of the black river beyond where the secret lovers lie. It brings with it a sense of hidden danger or impending doom.

Cate
Manna
Posts: 1998
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:51 am
Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: To see you

Post by Manna » Thu Dec 04, 2008 2:46 pm

Virginia,
You've written the same poem 14 times now. If I may give you an assignment:

Please write a poem about playdough using all but one of the following words:
soap
chair
ascend
envelop
shoelace
repudiate
pecan
hang
User avatar
mat james
Posts: 1791
Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 8:06 am
Location: Australia

Re: To see you

Post by mat james » Thu Dec 04, 2008 3:10 pm

What's the matter Manna? Are you worried that V. actually has "something to say"?
There are thousands of love songs and the world never tires of them.
so sing, V.
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
Manna
Posts: 1998
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:51 am
Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: To see you

Post by Manna » Thu Dec 04, 2008 4:48 pm

All the way to work I was pained by the idea that I'd left something mean in the world. I determined that when I'd gotten to work, I would re-examine & possibly amend. But it's too late now.

No, I'm not worried in the slightest, though I appreciate the concern. In fact I hope she has something to say. I hope she has several things to say. But so far, she's said the same thing several times. Maybe it's the biggest most important thing in her life right now, and I wouldn't want stomp and shout, "Get over it," while she's trying to deal with it. But she's not a bad writer, and when I come here & read this poem again, just with different words, it gets a little frustrating. Please forgive me.
Virginia
Posts: 69
Joined: Mon Sep 08, 2008 10:09 pm

Re: To see you

Post by Virginia » Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:51 pm

Manna,
if I've written the same poem, I've written it eight times, not fourteen.
You could say the subject is consuming - he left his mark and I hoped the pieces I've written would be elucidatory.
I'm sorry if they annoy you.
Here's one - inspired with tongue in cheek by your post! :) (See sometimes I even smile)

His kisses
when we first met
rained down on me,
gentle as manna from heaven.

On second thoughts, perhaps I'm exploring something from differing angles - sometimes we need to do that, or at least I do.
I had hoped I had something to say but perhaps you're bright, perhaps I don't.
Manna, I don't have your gift for light hearted verse nor for exploration beyond a few lines - maybe it has to do with my emotional ambition crashing into some one else's reality but it's not a story I want to go into in detail ( I think you're suggesting I already have) and perhaps I should stop posting the pieces here.
Apologies for repetition,

Thanks Mat.

Virginia
Manna
Posts: 1998
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:51 am
Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: To see you

Post by Manna » Thu Dec 04, 2008 10:47 pm

Look, it's not you, it's me, so don't take it personally. I get this way with Khayyam too; he wrote the same poem many more times than you have.
User avatar
Violet
Posts: 3197
Joined: Thu May 24, 2007 11:07 pm
Location: New York

Re: To see you

Post by Violet » Thu Dec 04, 2008 11:12 pm

Virginia,

While I do understand where Manna is coming from, I disagree that this is a bad thing. You are at this place with yourself and I believe the prescription is to keep probing it, keep picking at the wound, even -- I mean from an artist's perspective. You don't know what you might come upon, and a lot of the writing you're doing is good. Also, you might do a post putting all the poems together, I think it would interesting to see these that way...

v i o l e t


[hi Mat... edit: I meant to say, put all the poems together, I had "pieces"... (I guess I was thinking of their "brokenness")... v.]
Last edited by Violet on Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:21 am, edited 2 times in total.
Violet
User avatar
mat james
Posts: 1791
Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 8:06 am
Location: Australia

Re: To see you

Post by mat james » Fri Dec 05, 2008 12:10 am

The mystic poets only write about the one thing. This is a tradition that you are "being', V.
Our friend Leonard is always performing godelingus.
Sing!

And Manna, I am sure you do have "something to say" and I suspect that you are slightly pissed off that you haven't stumbled upon that 'something' yet.
But you will. 8)
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
Manna
Posts: 1998
Joined: Fri Feb 09, 2007 6:51 am
Location: Where clouds go to die

Re: To see you

Post by Manna » Fri Dec 05, 2008 2:22 am

Mat, are you saying that what I say when I write is not something?
User avatar
mat james
Posts: 1791
Joined: Sat May 27, 2006 8:06 am
Location: Australia

Re: To see you

Post by mat james » Fri Dec 05, 2008 9:55 am

No.
Later, I thought you might take it that way, but no; that is not what I meant.
The feeling I get from your forum contributions is that you have not yet written, (or maybe even experienced ) what you really want to write about, yet.
But that, of course is only my 'feeling/intuition'. And that don't make me right. 'And that don't make it (your poetry) junk.'

But this thread is about V's poetry, and not my intuitions.
"Without light or guide, save that which burned in my heart." San Juan de la Cruz.
Post Reply

Return to “Writing, Music and Art by the Forum members”