Two new poems.

This is for your own works!!!
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EuchridEucrow
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 10:45 pm

Two new poems.

Post by EuchridEucrow » Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:36 am

These two poems were written very recently and are, in my opinion, some of my more happy and cheery stuff. Comments and criticism are highly encouraged as I have quite frankly no idea whether or not I'm any good at this.

The Morning Star

The sun is slowly rising
beyond a sky so dark
but I can still see the light
of a morning star

And though we may be
a thousand miles apart
I will always believe
in the beauty of the heart

Though the road may be long
and the journey may be far
I will never forget the song
of the morning star

Requiem

Darkness falls upon the forest
a loosing moon shine so still
and I cry for your lone beauty
for I know that you never will

Kisses rise and turn to dust
the concrete lie of an old fool
with bleeding eyes and broken heart
he's always there dying for you

A secret light deep in the forest
a funeral pyre, scarlet wood
sparks ignite, weeping desire
for the life I never knew

In my dreams I'm never lost
in my sleep, I'm alone with you
and when I rise weeping blood
there's not a deed I would not do

Cities rise and fall to ruin
the shooting star of eternity
separates the dead from the wounded
high above a burning sea

In your eyes I'm already loosin'
in your smile I can never be free
forever a sucker for your beauty
it is the life that was meant for me
William
Posts: 296
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:18 am

Re: Two new poems.

Post by William » Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:34 pm

In my opinion, the second piece is stronger than the first but you might look at some of the images which lack originality and spontaneity - the image of the journey; the overuse of the star image.

The closing stanza of the second piece seems totally at odds with the rest in its construction and use of language, moving from a certain formality to a total informality.

I don't think you'll make a living from them.

God bless,
William
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