Daddy's Little Princess.

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. a few posters here who were at the Boston show Sunday seem to be a bit concerned about you, so I do hope all is well.

[as for the Tower of Song antics, I had no idea Jerry Lee Lewis was also into Pilates].. [who knew??]


Actually, it's true I'm still a bit "on the mend" myself.. but your performances have always been just what the doctor ordered.. so, I'm sure that will be the case tonight as well.

.. now, I know you always give your all at your performances, my love.. which is what makes them so wonderful. In any case, just know that I'll be right there.. sending my special Violet love light.. [should you need it].. [maybe you feel it already, and are gearing up for a great night tonight]..

.. you know, yesterday.. as I walked through Manhattan.. I was realizing that you were probably in Manhattan as well. It was a strange feeling, as I'm so used to your being so very far away.

.. anyway, welcome back to my favorite town, my love. Like me, it's been kicked around quite a bit.. but it never quite gives up. [almost, it does.. but never entirely]

I love you, my angel.. x


.. (actually, I seem to have dropped the ball on Hanukkah this year, as I was a bit disoriented with travel 'n such).. (a belated Happy Hanukkah to all here)

.... meanwhile, your coming to town has inspired my posting this lovely seasonal number.. (just to help tune things up)..

.. ('til later, my darling.. xx x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohFNLF_8Dik
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. x xxx..

.. oh, and.. [back on Jerry].. let me see if I can find that pic..

[Violet]

New York City, December 18, 2012: Madison Square Garden:

Dance Me To The End Of Love
The Future
Bird On A Wire
Everybody Knows
Who By Fire
Darkness
Ain't No Cure For Love
Amen
Come Healing
In My Secret Life
Thousand Kisses Deep (recited)
Anthem
===========
Tower of Song
Suzanne
Chelsea Hotel #2
Waiting For The Miracle
Show Me The Place
Lover Lover Lover
Democracy
Alexandra Leaving (Sharon Robinson)
I'm Your Man
Hallelujah
Take This Waltz
=======
1st Encore:
So Long Marianne
Going Home
First We Take Manhattan

2nd Encore:
Famous Blue Raincoat
If It Be Your Will (Hattie and Charley Webb)
Closing Time


.. my angel, thank you. You did good. Real good. [I’m sure the critics will agree]

.. which is also to say that I smiled a great deal, and I needed that. Oh, and the seats were what I initially thought they’d be, only the second seating chart I saw on line had my section B seat much further back.. [behind section A, as opposed to next to it].. which is why I was concerned. But, no, it was a very good seat. Too bad there was a rather large man directly in front of me. Yet, still, there were times when I was looking directly at you, it seemed like. You were very often at center stage, and I was in the middle as well. Actually, there were times when I felt as though you were singing [or reciting] just to me, my angel. [which is something Violet flowers need to feel sometimes]

oh, and with the lighting design encompassing the audience so much of the time, I felt that maybe you could even see me. [I had my hair styled long and straight, and was wearing my little black velvet jacket, and long, Morticia-ish black skirt. [actually, this is the outfit that's also rather Anna Karenina-ish, only I would need to wear my hair up, and in curls]

by the way, I had the book with me.. [Anna Karenina, that is].. in my large red leather bag. .. [actually, I considered leaving it on the edge of the stage at the end of the concert, but then realized I'd have no book to read on the subway ride uptown].. [anyway, now you can imagine that I left it there for you]

.. but, yeah.. that was me.. right in the middle, fourteen rows back.. beaming at you—sometimes in the headlights, it felt like.

oh. I AGAIN missed the beginning of Tower of Song. [I've done that before] Or, well, I was trying to locate my seat as you started. That’s because there’s always such a line at the ladies’ room, it’s hard to get back in time. But you really are getting snazzy with those piano moves, my angel.

oh, is it true you added a last verse to A Thousand Kisses Deep? It's something rather dark, and twisted, and beautiful sounding, which I don't recall hearing before.

oh, and Lover, Lover Lover was just great. Its instrumentation just amazing. And the deep red and gold lighting.. (I believe it was).. has stayed with me for some reason. [are the musical flourishes Spanish sounding? and thus, the colors?]

.. you know, I have such an appreciation now.. [after having been following this tour somewhat closely].. but of all the elements at play, which need to come together in order to have the whole thing "sing." There's really a lot involved, and yet there's the sense of your keeping things simple, too. [and your words come to the fore, then]


oh. You know, I already anticipated your not doing Anyhow. I thought that if you were going to do it, you’d probably save it for the second night. [I realized later that maybe I should have opted for your closing night, but it looked as though I could get a better seat at the Garden.. so

oh, but also.. I don’t know. It was such a strange day today. [I started writing this at four in the morning, as it happens.. and I just drove two hours to get home] But, it was such a solemn seeming day.. which carried over into the concert, given I found myself feeling acutely aware of the darker aspects of your songs. Amen, especially comes to mind. Oh, and you said something early on about it being a dark time for us all.. just as if you were feeling the same way.

.. along those lines, I wanted to mention too that Amen followed by Come Healing worked terribly well.

.. then the subterranean dimension of Secret Life, and your wonderful recitation of A Thousand Kisses Deep..

.. all to emerge again into the light in Anthem. [all of this flowed just so beautifully]

oh, and.. [later on].. Suzanne keeps seeming to have new meaning for me. And I love you playing guitar.

.. I'd add that the way the seating was, it really did feel quite intimate for those of us lucky enough to be seated “in the pit,” as it were. It really did.


.. anyway, my love.. thank you for doing just what the doctor ordered for me. [now I need some sleep]

[actually, Amen really rocks, my love]..

[of course, my angel.. you will now HAVE to sing Anyhow for me.. even if it’s over the phone. You simply have to..

[you must realize this too].. [I mean it's pretty obvious]


.. okay, once again my tender kiss to you, my love.. x.. (may you be having just the sweetest dream..

.. x x xx.. xx..

.. (I'm afraid I don't know the painter, but I like the pale pink satin).. (Manet?..

[Violet]

[I'm pretty sure that is Manet]

.. my love, you must be asleep just now. I'm afraid my sleep is all screwed up again, as I slept earlier, but find I can't sleep now.

.. anyway, I'm to the city tomorrow to get my brother. He'll be spending the whole week with me this Christmas.

.. of course, you and I can meet for tea earlier in the day.

(just thought I'd throw that out there)

(sigh)

.. what else. I guess I just wanted to wish you a wonderful last night.. [for this part of the tour, at least] I do wish I were going to be there.

oh. You forgot to do the "forgetfulness" song for me. As well as Save the Last Dance. [so that's going to be a particularly long phone call it now looks like]

.. however, I don't mean to complain, since you did do just so many wonderful songs.. and since I prefer a long call. [from you, at least]

[sound effect: oh, I know: You swiping the keyboard with your elbow]

[you're such a slickster]

actually.. (as far as performances go).. now I think you should do just a small engagement in a New York bar somewhere, just with your guitar. I, of course, would need to know about it.. but I'm not sure you should tell anyone else. Just see who wanders in, sort of thing.

[yes, that's an excerpt from:

The World According to Violet Flower]

[out soon on camel back]

[sorry, my angel.. I'm a bit wiped out is the thing].. [getting a bit silly]

.. anyway, I miss you. And I wish you--well, first a great night tomorrow.. followed by a lovely holiday, and a well deserved rest.

.. my tender kiss to you, my love.. x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFFWwE4nB4o
FULL SCREEN..

(I love you, my angel)

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?.. I do hope all is well, and that you are getting some lovely rest.

.. I only have a moment, as I need to find a tree today, and do some other Christmasie things with my brother.. but this has been on my mind, so

.. actually, it's a little story that is fairly idiotically silly, but I thought I'd tell it since it seems to highlight just what I go through sometimes with.. uh.. "all this."

.. so, yeah.. I thought I'd look up Feels So Good, since I know you did it in Canada at some point, and no one had posted it the last time I checked. Anyway, I was really rather excited to hear it on youtube, as it truly is a blues number, no bones about it. Straight up blues. [just great]

.. then I checked out the lyrics.

Now, Dr. Guy has a whole history of the evolution of these lyrics on his site, and it seems you've once again "updated" them.. with a poster here posting the latest version.

.. so.. yeah.. I'm reading the lyrics, and

I don't know, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable somehow.. [you know, given the subject matter]..

.. then, I get to the stanza:

I’d like to hold you baby, but my arms are old and weak
I’d like to hold you baby, but my arms are old and weak
I was listening to your story, but I guess I fell asleep

Now, at this point--okay, it may seem silly to me now.. but I suddenly felt like bursting into tears. {!!} [my brother is here, so I managed to refrain from doing that].. but, yeah.. there I was.. thinking..

.. "my God.. not only does he not love me anymore.. my 'story' actually causes him to fall asleep!"

.. and, I tell you, my angel.. I felt so deeply saddened and humiliated and worthless in that moment that I found myself contemplating just crawling under a rock somewhere for the rest of time.. [which is pretty close to how I've been living my life already.. so, I mean.. things were getting pretty bad then]

.. oh, and I was considering never posting here ever ever again.

.. so, yeah.. I was having a real rough time with this.. but, then.. well, the more rational side of my brain seemed to kick in.. [which does sometimes happen, even to me] [thank God].. and so, then I had to back up a minute and realize.. well, that it is a blues song, after all. And, I mean, the revised material probably has nothing to do with me at all. [most likely] Oh, I also thought that even if it does have something to do with me, you were probably just having a bad night or something. I mean..

[you know, that sort of reasoning]


Feels So Good
Toronto 4th December 2012

I’ve got a little secret, if you promise not to tell
I’ve got a little secret, if you promise not to tell
I made a date in heaven, but I’ve been keeping it in hell

It feels so good, not to love you like I did
It feels so good, not to love you like I did
It’s like they tore away my blindfold
and they said we’re gonna let this prisoner live

I’d like to hold you baby, but my arms are old and weak
I’d like to hold you baby, but my arms are old and weak
I was listening to your story, but I guess I fell asleep

[Music interlude with Neil on the organ]

It feels so good to wake up in the morning by myself
Cup of coffee in the kitchen, fire up a little danger to my health
And always something to think.. yeah
that there must be something else

Feels so good, not to love you like I did
It feels so good, not to wonder who you’re with
Who you love and who you touch and who you kiss

I got a little secret, if you promise not to tell
I got a little secret, if you promise not to tell
I made a date in heaven, but I’ve been keeping it in hell


.. anyway, now [thankfully] I'm over those feelings, and think it's all rather funny. [sort of] Well, except that I now have this lingering Doubting Thomas in the back of my head, suggesting that everything I write here might just have you falling asleep. (!)

.. however, I would offer.. [in my defense].. that it isn't always easy to come up with something meaningful, or even just clever or entertaining on practically a daily basis.. and, I mean, for.. [actually, I honestly can't bring myself to look up how long I've been writing you] But, yeah.. for a long, long time.

[actually, a fairly critical poster here once told me in private I was "wonderfully entertaining".. and I have trained myself to remember those kind words on any number of occasions--well.. primarily those times I think I really suck].. [which is more often than I'd care to say, actually..

so.

yeah.

.. that's the kind of turmoil I manage to put myself through concerning writing you, my love. Or, no, loving you . I mean, I feel a lot better now, so my rather extreme reaction seems rather silly. But when in the midst of having such feelings, it really is

what's that line?

I've made a date in heaven, but I've been keeping it in hell



.. oh, also on the "blues" front.. [or, at least the standard jazz front].. I sang at a restaurant last night in a little town, deep in the countrified part of New Jersey. [a friend invited me to an office Christmas party]

anyway, she convinced me to sing.. [even though I was petrified] But I managed to pull off quite a few numbers.. [a capella, even]

.. oh, and in the middle of it, someone requested I do:

Hallelujah

[!!]

[yeah]

.. [although I had no idea that was one of your blues numbers]

.. but, yeah.. I guess it is. Right in line with Birdland, and

[actually, I even did a Rodgers and Hart number]

[but, yeah.. I just had no idea that Hallelujah was..


Anyway, people came up to me for the rest of the evening telling me how much they enjoyed my singing.. so I guess it was a success. Actually, what made me go through with it is that I'm gearing up to do the open mic at that blues club in the city.. so

[you wouldn't by any chance know a good jazz pianist looking to hook up with a singer, would you, my angel?].. [you know, you're getting pretty good on keyboards, I noticed]

.. (hmm).. [and, I mean, you do have some extra time now.. so


.. okay.. need to run. Talk to you soon, my love.. x.. (my divine).. (my angel)

(and yes, I still miss you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Sh5vpSfkHw
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx.. xx..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

(I miss you)

I watched the Wizard of Oz with my brother last night. It was such fun to share with him what it was to watch it as children. It somehow became even more funny, and frightening, and wonderful.. just recalling childhood's suspension of disbelief.

oh. I had this feeling the other night. Maybe it had to do with singing in front of people, and having them like what I did.. (even though I was nervous, and felt I could have done better).. but something about having that experience combined with

okay. I know this is strange stuff, but that night especially I was feeling that “third eye” thing again. That intense magnetic “punctuation mark” just where my third eye is. It feels rather like a confirmation of something, even though I can’t pinpoint what it is it’s confirming. It seems a kind of glimpse of living in the flow of something. The thing unstrived for that’s just “happening.”


.. so, anyway, it's been cold, my love.. and I’ve been a bit under the weather still.. and so I’ve not yet gotten out to our lake since I’ve been back. It’s there, though, in the back of my mind.. this place that’s serene, and beautiful.. and tied to you in ways I’ve tried to describe.. or even in ways enhanced by such describing, as that becomes part of the memory of the thing.

Oh, and there’s a light dusting of snow up here—just what I’d asked for for Christmas.

.. and all is quite just now. I’m about to go to the bigger house.. [the “haunted” one].. to find some Christmas boxes. Oh, also. I need to get the pictures I took in India in my computer.. and then I might show you some, my love. I’ve been telling people about my trip, and so it’s been on my mind again.

.. it’s rather like a dream that whole experience. And I can still conjure too the feeling of its frightening me, which had something to do with being just so very far away. Even my chiropractor commented last week that "safety" had come up for me.. and so, even in that, I guess I'd been somehow shaken.


Anyway, I'm home, and all is quiet. [the snow] And I’ve the memory of just seeing you, which also has something of a dream-like quality as I recollect it.

.. in any case.. (for now).. my tender kiss to you, my love.. x


[here’s a song for Christmas that my brother had me look up].. [it's rather nice I think..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jju-Jp812ZY
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. x xxx..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you? I started writing this last night, but thought I’d wait to post it.

.. so, here goes..


It’s past midnight, and so a Merry Christmas to you.. [and all here]

It was hard, but I bundled up and rode out to our lake today. As a testament to just how cold it is, it was nearly all frozen. Even the tree trunks and branches that are jutting out of the water were covered in ice. There was that low, bright sun that I remember.. only, it’s moved its position on the horizon quite a bit since I was last there. It has me wondering just where “West” is.. [just where you are, my angel].. [unless you’re not in L.A. just now]

I wasn’t going to write this tonight, but I couldn’t sleep. I just lay there, starting to write you this letter in my head, so

well, here I am. Oh, I also saw our Tibetan bell again, standing there just so still. And there was hardly a soul around, and so it was a very quiet seeming Christmas Eve out on our frozen little lake, my love.

.. anyway, as I lay in bed earlier, I had a thought—only it was one of those fleeting ones. I’m not sure I can find it again. Actually, I think it had to do with “determining” to be happy.. even if it’s so very often a struggle.

(I opened the door to the cold tonight.. and looked up at the far off moon, which was directly overhead, and in a gauzy mist.. and I blew a kiss to it, that it might be delivered to you, my angel.. where ever you are)


Well, that’s what I'd written last night. Actually, a new light snow fell as I slept, and so my little Christmas wish that I had in far off Goa has once again been granted.. (I’d asked for something pretty and white, but not too hazardous)

As to other matters.. [hazardous ones, in fact].. I only took a brief look [research wise] at the Connecticut school shooting, but already I found there’s evidence of multiple of gunmen. Also, a careful examination of just what information [and misinformation] was fist released on the shooter indicates foreknowledge. But then, it would take a “real” press to zero in on such discrepancies, and to draw such conclusions.

.. in any event, as horrific as what I’m suggesting is to contemplate, is it any more tenable that the official script is telling us that people—young troubled men, it seems—just take up arms and shoot young children, since that’s what we can “expect” now from the population? I suggest the implications and inevitable “remedies” for that are even more disturbing. At least what I’m suggesting has us facing something squarely: that we are very much on our own where the powers that be are concerned. And yet, we are even more aligned with each other, if we could just understand that. The war “of” terror that’s being waged is against us all. And the “real” remedy starts with the mind.. and freeing the mind from what it is we're all expected to think. That done, it would be far more difficult for us to be controlled. Perhaps, it’s even true that the mechanism we’re being manipulated with is a fragile one, and might be stripped of its power rather like the Emperor without his clothes. I mean, if you really examined just how "stupid" seeming so much of the news is, this would seem more and more apparent. Only, this needs to be done outside of one's unbridled emotions, and knee-jerk reactions.. which really is the fertile ground of power and control.

.. all of which is to say that once again.. [as I’ve been stating for quite some time now].. it starts with what we think.. and what we’re willing to believe about ourselves. Maybe it’s time to say “we’re just not buying it.”


I suppose that’s my Christmas message for now. My sadness is with the immediate victims of this atrocity, even as we are all its victims.

.. alright, my angel.. I send again my tender kiss, and all my love to you on this newly white Christmas day.. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXTWjcw6lww
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx .. xxx.. xx..

[Violet]

Joan Rivers: so, I come out of the bathroom on my wedding night, and my husband says, “here I’ll help you with the buttons,” and I tell him I’m already naked.

.. hi, my angel, how are you?

[yeah, I just listened to an interview with Joan]

.. anyway, I took my brother to the train today, and was feeling just so down I couldn’t even listen to Old Ideas on the drive home, I was that upset feeling. I mean, I felt it would just break my heart somehow to listen to it, even though I usually find your voice just so soothing.

.. in any event.. slowly.. I’ve been pulling myself out of the doldrums.


Anyway, my love.. I do think we need to come up with some sort of "plan." I mean, I think it’s time.. (my angel) I honestly do.

[after all, just what are we waiting for anyway??]

.. okay, so.. what I thought we could do is.. we could get ourselves a little cottage or something deep in the forest, maybe—the Redwood Forest, even.. [since you’re out in California]

.. and, I mean.. you could come and visit me there whenever you can manage it, or whenever you feel you miss me.. and the rest of the time, I could just do as I always do. You know, keep you posted on things right here at the forum. [!!]

[I didn't say it was a good plan.. just a plan]

[I’m trying, at least]

Oh, and with this particular plan, you don’t have to bother “explaining” me to anyone. I could be your little secret, sort of thing.. [which somehow I think would suit you]

.. so.. yeah. Just a little cottage somewhere..

(sigh)

.. the thing is, my love.. I am having a hard time. And things are even worse right now since I still have this chest cold.. [which actually puts me in mind of those heroines I’m always identifying with].. [you know, the ones dying of consumption]

[that almost sounds like a Joan Rivers joke, but I'm afraid I'm not even joking]

oh. [on another topic].. I have to switch now to my other computer since for some reason the iPhoto thing on this one isn’t working, and I can’t reduce the size of the pics I took in India so that the software here at the forum will accept them. And so, until I do the switch, no more photos.. (unfortunately)

[that last one was taken at just a gorgeous spot, by the way.. on the beach where that French restaurant was]


.. anyway, my love.. I really am not joking when I say I’m miserable, and love sick.. and that I’m still somehow hoping that love will find a way, even if my “cottage in the forest” idea is a bit far fetched, maybe.

[most likely]

[fairly sure]

.. so

anyway

that’s all I wanted to say, actually. I love you, and adore you. I want you, and I miss you. [terribly]

[that’s pretty much it]

Now I have to try to salvage what’s left of this gloomy day. Actually, it seems there’s another storm headed this way. Two icy snow storms, in fact. With possible power outages up here.

[I know. I could be on a lovely beach in paradise right now]

.. so

yeah. I guess I really am back.


.. alright, well, I do hope you’re in good spirits, and are enjoying the holiday season. Oh. I thought of maybe going to a blues club for New Year’s Eve, and so I hope I can get reservations somewhere, as I’ve left this to the last minute.

.. anyway, my darling.. everything will be alright, because I just said it would be. And that’s all you need to know. Now, just how it is that everything will be alright, I have no idea. Still, I’ve always found it to be somehow consoling to hear someone say that.. and so, I've done that just for you.. (my angel).. (all for you)

.. oh, and I’m sending you another of my tender kisses.. x.. (which is also just for you)

oh, and in honor of my little “plan” for us.. [let me see what I can find on youtube..

[it seems like a Rodgers & Hart moment, I think..

.. ('til soon, my love.. xx x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPZwbMcIDUg
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. x xxx..

edit: too many "I mean's," I noticed. So, I removed most of them.

[Karren B]

Welcome home violet...

http://youtu.be/Z0pLKCxc8Rw
XX

[Violet]

Thanks, Karren.

.. uh.. maybe you need me to say this to you, too..

Everything will be alright. [it just has to be]

v. x

[Karren B]

God I hope so!!
XXXX

[Violet]

.. how are you, my angel?

.. I am literally snowed in. There must be two feet of snow on the ground out there.

[yes, I know, I asked for this].. [in coming back early, I mean]

[at least I still have power]


.. in any case, I’ve got a little present for you, my love. Now, I rarely see a more recent film that I think is very good. Of course, I rarely go to see or even rent recent films for that very reason.

.. but this one.. [which I found on Netflix last night].. I thought extremely good..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWQRA-SqK44
FULL SCREEN..

.. on Netflix it’s called “House of Pleasures,” as opposed to “House of Tolerance”.. [although I think the latter a superior title] In French it’s “L’appolinide: souvenirs de la maison close.”

.. it’s rather depressing, the subject matter. Still, it’s quite beautiful. Heartbreaking.

.. anyway, as I believe it’s The Third Day of Christmas, I thought I’d give you this recommendation as a present. [meanwhile, the partridge in a pear tree may have to wait ‘til spring].. [and instead of two turtle doves, I’ve got two shivering chickens all nestled in their coup outside, poor things].. [they even stop laying in this cold weather].. [I guess I really should find them a little treat to eat, just to keep their spirits up..

.. okay, my darling.. I need to bundle up and go out there.. see what’s doing..

.. (keep me warm in your thoughts, my love.. x

(I miss you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-INP1g3lao
FULL SCREEN..

.. xxx x.. xxx.. x x..

[Violet]

.. my love, I was writing you last night, but it all became so sad, so I thought I’d wait ‘til daytime.

.. (anyway, here’s what I started to write..


.. my angel, I was thinking of you tonight as I lay on the couch watching Greta Garbo in “Ninotchka.”

.. you know, it’s not as if I don’t continue to tell myself that I need to stop writing you these letters. I do do that—all the time, in fact. Only, there’s that heaviness in my chest that starts happening, which has me thinking.. well, that maybe sometime in the future I’ll stop.. just not now.

.. and, you know, it’s not at all like the lyrics of that blues song you wrote, since I should hate to wake up one morning and realize I no longer loved you. That to me seems like the saddest fate of all.. so

.. here I am. I guess you’re stuck with me.


.. that’s all I wrote, my love. I didn’t know what else to say. I wanted to tell you how I was feeling as I watched that movie, but

well, here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6Qgc85ehnk
FULL SCREEN..

.. now you can imagine how I was feeling. [utterly, completely and totally in love with you].. [just in case I have to spell that out]

.. so, it seems I’m a throwback to that era when people used to feel that way. [a shining artifact of the past, you could say] [or, no, you did say]

.. by the way, I’ve decided that Greta Garbo is my favorite actor of all time.

.. this Lubitch film was her first role in a comedy, and she’s just perfect. So is Melvyn Douglas..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfxxr1nUHZc
FULL SCREEN..

.. which reminds me.. besides the cup of tea, and the chocolate ice cream cone.. oh, and the cottage deep in the Redwood Forest.. (or any forest, really).. (or, no, it doesn't even have to be a forest, I don't think).. (just a cottage).. (or maybe just a room, even).. but, in addition to those things, I do feel you owe me Paris too, my love. It just seems right, somehow.. (remember, I do have As Time Goes By as part of my ever ready repertoire).. (and, as I think I've told you before, I think of you especially when I sing it)

actually, yesterday, to cheer myself up, I tried on my 1960 coral “End of the World” dress, which I brought with me to India, but which I never wore. I have to say, it looks quite lovely—especially when I put in the, uh, “chicken cutlets.” [they have the dress fitting just perfectly, in fact]

.. so.. some day, I’ll finally wear that dress to a singing gig.. when I feel the time is right.. (especially if you were there, my love)

(sigh)

.. so, that’s what I’m thinking about for the New Year. Well, first there’s you.. (although I don’t know what I can hope for in that regard)

.. then there’s the singing, and doing that open mic in the city with that jazz trio. Actually, I checked them out on youtube, and they seem quite good.. so..

oh, and then, of course, there’s my website, which I finally need to get serious about. Maybe I can eventually get some advertisers and possibly make a few ducats. [hopefully]

.. as for the writing.. [you know, Agent Longing and Violet's story].. I had a dream just this morning, in fact, that I was being picked up by the “authorities”.. and it looked as though they were going to plant something on me, and I was going to be in serious trouble. [!!]

.. so, I guess I’m nervous about what I wrote. Anyway, I’ll see if I get anywhere with that literary agent I have a [small] in with. It’s a long shot.. but I need to start somewhere.

.. so.. those are my plans for the New Year, my angel. Of course, the hardest part is just keeping going without losing faith in myself. That really is quite difficult sometimes.. (so, it's a day at a time, it seems..


.. as for my gift to you on this, the Fifth Day of Christmas..

.. hmm..

I’m afraid I don’t have five golden rings.. or even one, my angel. I don’t even have a new poem for you, as I’ve not written any since the one I wrote you in Goa.

.. I only have this tender kiss.. x

(and to tell you how it is you make me feel, my love..

.. as outdated as it may be).. (xx x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_QffCZs-bg
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx xx..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. (a thousand kisses.. xx.. x..


Okay, given someone gave me this DVD for Christmas, I can further proffer the theory that most flicks being made right now are.. uh

(you know)

(crap)

… anyway, this one [from 2011] is called “Peace, Love and Misunderstanding,” and is largely a Jane Fonda vehicle. The filmmaker is one Bruce Beresford, who has directed a few good films in his day, including Tender Mercies.. oh, and Breaker Morant.. but

well, especially in light of the recent research I’ve done on the scene being portrayed through Fonda’s character.. (who serves to embody every cliché you can think of regarding the 60’s counter culture).. but, in light of said research, it does become interesting to look at this film in terms of Jane Fonda herself.

.. let me see now.. she was mentioned by that source I was using as one of Hollywood’s “Young Turks”.. along with her brother, Peter.. and Dennis Hopper.. Jack Nicholson.. Nancy Sinatra.. Sharon Tate.. Warren Beatty—all of them.. (with the exception of Sinatra—who was connected in, uh, other ways.. and Nicholson, who apparently had a prostitute for a mother, and no known father—and no birth certificate, even).. but the rest, according to my source, all hail from military intelligence families. (I guess, given Nicholson doesn’t even “technically exist,” they decided to let him in, as well)

Now, Jane.. (as we all know).. was that anti-war activist who even had herself photographed with the South Vietnamese military.. [in a move she later said she regretted]

[but then a lot of “middle Americans” regretted it too, in light of the sort of war they’d just been through. A war where being photographed with the enemy would have been thought unthinkable, after all]

.. of course, Jane.. (as we all know).. more recently wound up marrying Ted Turner.. [their marriage having lasted a decade].. oh, and thus, her 60’s radical image was rather powerfully put to rest…… that is, until

.. this flick.. where she’s AGAIN back to her 60’s hippie image.. with her character even managing to reinforce the “accepted” cause of death [as solely a matter of overdose] concerning Janis Joplin, and Jimmi Hendrix.

[interesting, though, no mention of Morrison].. [for some reason]

.. by the way, my angel.. you yourself got a plug. [as maybe you already know].. but, yeah.. Jane’s effusively “free spirited” character manages to slip in the fact that she once had

“a three-way with Leonard Cohen”

(!!)

.. actually, that’s quite a complement, my angel. I mean, you seem to count as two whole people in that. [??]

[no third party was named]

[my love, you really are getting a bit too popular. I mean, enough already].. [my God]

.. okay, what else..

.. well, just the fact that Fonda helps render a pathetically clichéd portrait of a time period that could do with some manner of “introspection”.. (at this point).. (cinematically speaking, in this case)

.. but, no.. instead it’s just the pot smoking and dealing.. the [cherried out] VW Bug driving.. [oh, and these sorts of films never tell us how the character is even earning a living, by the way, in order to support the “shabby chic” lifestyle being portrayed].. [oh, that’s right, she deals pot].. oh, and of course there’s the “anti-war” demonstrating going on.. [although there’s nothing specific being stated in that regard].. [just a bunch of “hippie” looking folks holding up signs, and looking disorganized and foolish]

anyway, you get the idea: it’s that whole “sixties mess” all over again.

Funny, I also noticed in an on line bio.. (which I just glanced at).. but at one point Jane was also married to Tom Hadyn, who was part of the Chicago 7.. the group of 60’s radicals [so called] revealed to be complicit with the feds in

(oh, never mind)


.. oh, lastly.. maybe I do need to finally read a bio on you, my love. I was listening to my public radio station the other day, and suddenly I heard your voice.. [which always jars me when that happens].. [unexpectedly, I mean].. oh, and a reviewer started raving about Sylvie Simmons’ book.. (and I know he’s not alone in that).. but maybe I can gain a different perspective on the 60’s time period especially in light of some of your own experiences. I guess I really have been hesitant to read a bio because.. well, I guess it’s what I’d said some time ago now. I wanted to be with you more in the present.. not through the prism of these histories.. (especially when I was “inventing” Agent Longing)..

.. but, now.. maybe it’s time. (maybe) Although, I don't know, since I'm the delicate subject, I'm afraid.. (given I'm never quite sure how I'm going to react to things).. (where you're concerned, that is)


.. actually.. now I’m wondering.. when Jane was saying that line about the three-way with you.. who was she imagining as the third?

(we may never know)

.. (well, unless you actually did once have a three-way with Jane Fonda.. and..

(I mean, then you’d know who it was, as well)


.. alright, my angel. I just had to get all that stuff off my chest. I think I was feeling similarly when David Crosby and Graham Nash went rushing over to join the “Occupy” movement. I mean, to me, there’s just this enormous story here that’s not being told.

.. okay.

.. my love to you, my darling.. and my tender kiss.. x.. and just anything you may want or need, my love.. (those six geese a laying—actually, were they laying the five golden rings?

(in which case, maybe I should check out back.. see what my chickens are up to..

(I miss you, my angel).. (oh, and it’s sunny.. so maybe I’ll bundle up, and take another ride out to our lake, with the second snowfall still fresh on the ground).. (I just hope, given the wind outside, that the power doesn't go out)

.. okay, 'til later, my angel.. xx x..


.. (and now for some flashback material..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpWEv9Q0XQ4
FULL SCREEN..

[Violet]

.. my angel, I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year.. (and a Happy New Year to all here).. and

well, I guess all you need to do is to look at any of the last hundred or so pages of letters I've written you to maybe get some idea as to what you mean to me. I'd add that watching you perform this month in New York was truly a gift from heaven. Oh--my therapist saw you in Brooklyn, actually. She said she was thinking of me throughout.. (not realizing I'd returned from India, and had just seen you two nights before).. (oh, and she loved it, by the way).. (just loved it)

You know, I do wish you were more of an "east coast" person, and that I could really meet you for that cup of tea sometime. But maybe that will happen in the future.

.. actually, I want you to know, my love, that if you ever do write me, all you need to do is to tell me whether you like chartreuse or not. (I've given this some thought, you see) And I honestly don't care, either way. I mean, at least I'd know. And, I mean, I'm pretty sure that not even Sylvie Simmons covered that topic.. so.. yeah, at least I'd finally know.

.. anyway, for now, I'm going to try and keep strong, and not succumb to the blues too much.. (well, except maybe for musical purposes)

.. after all, why focus on what can be trying about--well, love, especially.. when there's just so much that's wonderful about it?.. (what was it that Maria and Tony were saying in that song I just posted from West Side Story?

(let me look that up..

Today the world was just an address
a place for me to live in
no better than all right

But here you are
and what was just a world
is a star.. tonight

.. and so, I'll be thinking of you tonight, my love.. (my midnight).. (and I'll be sending you my deepest kiss and wish for just a wonderful New Year.. x

.. (and now for some more of these lovely sounds..

(just for you, my angel).. (xx x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpdB6CN7jww
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx.. xx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love, how are you?

.. I had a rather bumpy start to the New Year yesterday, and thought I’d tell you about it, since maybe it will help to explain certain things that have been on my mind to.

It started New Year’s eve night. I didn’t sleep well, and when I finally did sleep, I awoke with the feeling that I’d spent a long time searching for you in the darkness. Not in any tangible darkness, but darkness in the way of the psyche.. in the way we might all be connected.. or I might be connected to you in writing you these letters.

.. then it was day, and I got up.. and I made myself some tea.. just as I always do.. only, a part of me felt as if I were paralyzed—paralyzed with a devastating sadness.

I felt I could barely move. I felt death almost would be better.

I decided to take down the Christmas tree, even though those years I’ve had a tree in the past, I’d wind up keeping it up for an embarrassingly long time, given I guess I become sentimental about such things. But yesterday it seemed like the right thing to take down whatever Christmas decorations I had put up, so to start fresh with the New Year. And also.. it just seemed unbearably sad to have such bright things around me still.

.. so.. even amidst feeling this numbing sadness, I set about doing that, which at least gave my mind a focus.

I guess what I mean to say is that, even if I sound rather “glib” sometimes about things.. I’m not at all glib. It’s as if I’m at a place where either I make my life endurable, or I don’t.

.. and so.. if I’ve been in this endless seeming quandary as to whether to write you these letters, it’s that I seem to have come to you to try to resolve something in me.

I can never retrace exactly what brought me here, either. I can only go over again the pain I was in. But, I know I didn’t come here to write you these letters.. or to tell the story of Agent Longing and Violet.. or to fall in love with you.. or anything as improbable as all that. I thought I was just here to contribute to a forum. A forum for an artist I’ve loved as an artist for a very long time.. even when very few seemed to share that love.


You know, I often think of that line of yours about those who are “truly” lost.. since it implies those who aren’t lost—not “truly.” [later note: as I write later, I remembered the word was "earnestly"]

.. in that, I think I’m among those who are truly lost, since I have always tried to find solutions to things for myself. When I was physically ill, I found a way to heal myself. It took years, but finally I did. When my brother had no one to help him, I tried with all my heart and mind to not only help, but to “heal” him. And maybe, even though that period of time came to a rather tragic end, given his suicide attempt.. still, maybe in some way he was helped by what had transpired. His soul, I mean. At least he knows he was and is loved.

I guess.. well, again, what I’m trying to say is that if I feel I’m lost just now, I truly am. And the last thing I would want is to burden you with these letters, and sometimes I feel that’s what I’m doing, and I couldn’t be more unhappy about that.

.. so, I guess this particular letter is in some ways an apology, and in some ways an explanation.

I honestly don’t know what to do.. I mean, other than the things I’ve planned.. and other than trying to stay focused on these things.

.. in the meantime.. if I still feel I need to write to you.. it’s in the way a child keeps her training wheels on her bike, until she’s not so unsteady. I don’t know how else to explain it.

.. but maybe you can forgive me, then.



Okay, my angel.. that’s all I’ll say for now. I want to work harder to do my best. I feel I’m not always up to it. But I aspire to.

.. I love you, my angel.. and I do hope all is well with you..

.. and I’ll talk to you soon.. x



.. actually.. after having written this letter, and considered again what you meant by those who are "truly lost".. I realize that maybe I don't fall into that category.. [not yet, at least]

later note: I'm remembering now the exact lyrics being "those who earnestly are lost.. are lost and lost again."