Bench jokes

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Sideways
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Bench jokes

Postby Sideways » Mon Dec 07, 2015 9:34 am

How nice to hear of progress from the Council. I thought they might sit on the Bench forever.

I know this might be a little late but I have written to the Council asking whether we could add wheels to the Bench so it will be more readily available for elderly Residents who find skateboarding and motor-biking rather difficult. For visitors to our little Island ("A land-mass surrounded on all 3 sides by water", Oxford Dictionary 2015) it would be so lovely to see it there at the Harbour after the crossing from Athens.

I received this promising reply "Dear Sue, are you some kind of lunatic?" I take these kind words to mean that the Council likes my idea and is considering that the bench should be moved when the moon comes out. They raised the issue of whether donkeys will be able easily to transport it from site to site. I wanted to scream "the wheels, the wheels!". Oh well, as Leonard wrote in his unknown poem, "Beaureacracy, schmeaurocracy". Confidential note - do watch that spelling, Leonard, if you have hopes of making a professional career from your jottings.

It seems to me, (and I speak as someone who at Dublin accidentally contributed 10 Lire as it fell out of my pocket when I purchased a small cup of Guiness, the Barmaid held it up and Jarkko claimed it! I have never forgiven him and my fury explains why a guilty feeling Jarkko no longer visits me at my secure facility on the monthly open day), it seems to me that Leonard means no disrespect to our community but wtf about his waiting list proposal !

Speaking bluntly, and yet I hope sharply to the point, I may not know exactly when I will want to sit down on the bench. I just don't see the point of applying in writing "no less than 21 days in advance" for a 3 minute slot. I also think that Cohen's insistence of having a timekeeper permanently stationed in a hut to prevent unsanctioned bench usage is absurd.

Anyway, has the hut got wheels or its own donkey to follow the Bench each time it relocates?

Do try to think things through so-called Leonard Cohen.

Yours in deep self-love

Sue

"ALL RISE FOR THE BENCH".
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
holydove
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Re: Bench updates

Postby holydove » Mon Dec 07, 2015 10:24 pm

I like your idea about wheels, sideways, but I thought the Bench was supposed to be programmed so that, if you push a button on the side, it will rise up into the air & glide through the sky by itself, & you can tell it where you want it to go, & then you push a button on the other side when you want it to land; of course, when a person's time is up, if he/she has not relinquished the bench, the timekeeper would have to retrieve the person, and/or the bench, by beaming it back via molecular reconstruction.
Sideways
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Sideways » Mon Dec 07, 2015 10:50 pm

holydove wrote:I like your idea about wheels, sideways, but I thought the Bench was supposed to be programmed so that, if you push a button on the side, it will rise up into the air & glide through the sky by itself, & you can tell it where you want it to go, & then you push a button on the other side when you want it to land; of course, when a person's time is up, if he/she has not relinquished the bench, the timekeeper would have to retrieve the person, and/or the bench, by beaming it back via molecular reconstruction.


Do you know, I had completely forgotten that our popular Group Member, the Norwegian explorer and artist, Geoffrey Wren, has indeed designed wings for the Bench (House Style do remember the Capital B for Bench, don't Be a Begrudging Bastard holydove). He has also designed wings for the donkey so that should be fun to watch. I am afraid that I do not understand your observation about "molecular reconstruction" and still think Messi is better than Ronaldo however much you insist to the contrary.
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
holydove
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Re: Bench updates

Postby holydove » Tue Dec 08, 2015 10:15 pm

Sideways wrote: Do you know, I had completely forgotten that our popular Group Member, the Norwegian explorer and artist, Geoffrey Wren, has indeed designed wings for the Bench (House Style do remember the Capital B for Bench, don't Be a Begrudging Bastard holydove). He has also designed wings for the donkey so that should be fun to watch. I am afraid that I do not understand your observation about "molecular reconstruction" and still think Messi is better than Ronaldo however much you insist to the contrary.
Oh my, you are quite right, I am so sorry to have forgotten the capital "B", & I will repent deeply for this neglectful, sacrilegious error. In fact, we should probably write "B-nch", to avoid any potential defilement of this sacred word. I will pray to the B-nch to have mercy on me & someday grant forgiveness for my egregious error.

I'm sure the wings are lovely, but I thought the B-nch could fly without wings(?), & if this is truly the case, then maybe the extra set of wings can be sown onto the donkey, & then we can have a four-winged flying donkey, & yes, that would be a joyous sight.

Molecular reconstruction is a process I heard of, by which the molecules of the person's body, or the object, are deconstructed in order to be beamed to another place, & then when the person/object arrives at the other place, the molecules are reconstructed to their original form. I haven't heard of any definitive proof, as of yet, that it's really the same person/object, when the person/object arrives at the other place & the molecules are reconstructed, but it looks like the same person/object, & studies are still ongoing, with hope that evidence will be found which will provide such proof.

I enjoy being contrary, but I am completely uneducated in the field of football, so I cannot argue the case for either Messi or Ronaldo. May I suggest that we argue, instead, about which side an egg should be cracked on? That topic might turn out to be the more important one, in the long run, esp. during this dark era of BB (Before the B-nch).
Sideways
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Sideways » Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:34 pm

I knew a holy dove that once laid an egg, it was then cracked on the inside, AS IS PROPER.

I rarely shout but I am sick to death of folk who crack eggs on the outside. They can folk right off.
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
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Hartmut
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Hartmut » Wed Dec 09, 2015 4:28 am

'B_nch' ... That made my day.
holydove
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Re: Bench updates

Postby holydove » Wed Dec 09, 2015 10:13 pm

Hartmut wrote:'B_nch' ... That made my day.
I thought you might like that, Hartmut! :D Especially given the fact that you are the Esteemed Master of Vowel Omissions, from whom I have learned so much regarding this crucial issue, & I must hereby acknowledge your authority on the matter. So: All Hail Hartmut - well, given your new & proper title, it should really read "H-rtm-t"- so let's start over now: All Hail H-rtm-t, the Grand Master of Vowel Omissions, now & forever!

Sideways,I agree that cracking the egg on the inside is the only correct way, but I think the real issue is that many individuals in many nations of the world are confused about which side is the inside & which side is the outside. So perhaps we can make a recommendation, to the Global Council of Egg Cracking, that they provide labels or stamps on all the eggs, indicating "this is the outside" & "this is the inside".
Sideways
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Re: B_nch updates

Postby Sideways » Thu Dec 10, 2015 12:03 am

holydove wrote:
Hartmut wrote:'

Sideways,I agree that cracking the egg on the inside is the only correct way, but I think the real issue is that many individuals in many nations of the world are confused about which side is the inside & which side is the outside. So perhaps we can make a recommendation, to the Global Council of Egg Cracking, that they provide labels or stamps on all the eggs, indicating "this is the outside" & "this is the inside".

It is many years now since I founded the Global Council and, as we all know, some years since the Coup which threw me out and devastated my life. I don't want to talk about it. You knew that and yet you raise the humiliating episode in public! Extraordinary conduct. OK. Enough. Now let us discuss the side issue..as we used to at the GC meetings. Yeah, back in the old days when people acted with integgrity. I don't care. I am completely over it. The unspeakable heartless gits...
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
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Hartmut
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Re: RE: Re: Bench updates

Postby Hartmut » Thu Dec 10, 2015 1:12 am

holydove wrote:All Hail H-rtm-t, the Grand Master of Vowel Omissions, now & forever!
'm s flttrd, dn't knw wht t s. Thnk y!
Last edited by Hartmut on Fri Dec 11, 2015 1:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Geoffrey
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Geoffrey » Thu Dec 10, 2015 7:31 pm

Sideways wrote:I had completely forgotten that our popular Group Member, the Norwegian explorer and artist, Geoffrey Wren, has indeed designed wings for the Bench (House Style do remember the Capital B for Bench, don't Be a Begrudging Bastard holydove). He has also designed wings for the donkey so that should be fun to watch.
as far as i am concerned a bench is something that tramps sleep on in parks, and am therefore not involved in any such project.
Sideways
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Sideways » Thu Dec 10, 2015 9:16 pm

Geoffrey wrote:
Sideways wrote:I had completely forgotten that our popular Group Member, the Norwegian explorer and artist, Geoffrey Wren, has indeed designed wings for the Bench (House Style do remember the Capital B for Bench, don't Be a Begrudging Bastard holydove). He has also designed wings for the donkey so that should be fun to watch.
as far as i am concerned a bench is something that tramps sleep on in parks, and am therefore not involved in any such project.
oh, you mean you have one already.
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
Mkevenson
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Mkevenson » Thu Dec 10, 2015 9:44 pm

as a newbee here, I originally found this thread interesting. I believe it is time to unsubscribe from this thread however. :cry:

mark
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HugoD
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Re: Bench updates

Postby HugoD » Thu Dec 10, 2015 11:37 pm

Mkevenson wrote:as a newbee here, I originally found this thread interesting. I believe it is time to unsubscribe from this thread however. :cry:

mark
I also was keen on following the updates on the bench project, but the last 10 or so post are apparantly so "incrowd" and/or just plain nonsens that they will chase me away also :roll:
Lille 2010, Dublin 2012, Mannheim 2013, Rotterdam 2013, Montréal 2017
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Geoffrey
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Geoffrey » Thu Dec 10, 2015 11:51 pm

Sideways wrote:oh, you mean you have one already.
i've only got the one you left here.
geoffrey's bench.jpg
Sideways
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Re: Bench updates

Postby Sideways » Fri Dec 11, 2015 12:28 am

I recognize that area. Oxford Street, London?
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah

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