Book of Mercy, I, 8
he trips
He falls
Blessed are you
master of the human accident.
I can relate to that, here is my trip.
I am going to be a bit detailed about the trip I took because I've learned that context is usually important and I want to make sure that I don't miss anything because it is not a trip that I ever want to have to take again.
Once is quite enough.
Back in the mid nineties my life collapsed in a very big way. I felt that I was looking at failure coming at me from every side. In relationships, family and my work everything was coming undone.
Took my beating, got back to my feet and started to get back at it again but found that there was one part of me that wasn't so anxious about getting at things until it was satisfied, and that was my curiosity.
I found that making dollars does not help if you are not making sense. I needed to know why so much had apparently failed. I dropped out.
I remember the exact street corner I was on and the exact day. It was early on a friday evening. That week I had made $4000.00 doing technology consulting work. I soon moved out to a little town bringing the population of the town to thirteen.
I handed the reigns of my life over to my curiosity and took myself along for the ride. It was around this time that I began posting to alt.music.leonard-cohen.
I have always posted under my own name and if it is of any interest it is easy to see how I was behaving during those times. This and other groups gave me the opportunity to encounter other people sometimes in very interesting ways and often in ways that were rewarding beyond my greatest expectations. Luckily my grade three principal had already relieved me of having to deal with guilt and that left me free to focus on other areas. This lasted for quite a few years and I got to a point that I felt that I found what I was looking for and wasn't going to get any further so disconnected .
I wasn't totally disconnected as I didn't stay that long in that small town and I did work from time to time as needed to keep the wolf from the door. But when I wanted to re-enter society in a more complete way I felt a little lost as to what I should be doing.
I got involved is a significant technology project and did the work and got paid well but I felt that my work lacked the heart that was required for me to sustain the activity and so was looking around for other opportunities.
Time to time I would do work as a casual laborer while I was floundering about. This is where I tripped into a hole that led me into some kind of joke.
I was working with a team of four other workers demolishing a warehouse roof. I noticed that one of the other workers didn't seem too bright that day and it seemed like he was a little hung over.
In the work we were doing he was in the most difficult position and so I traded places with him thinking that I was better prepared, and that would be safer for all concerned. I immediately stepped onto a piece of roofing that had no support and started going through the roof. You know that game of snakes and ladders? Well I started feeling that I was in one, with all it's false starts, going two steps forward and then three back and now I was thinking pretty clearly about that last ladder I climbed so that I could calculate how far my fall was going to be. I realized that it was high enough that I could be killed, thought a bit about the implications of that and after considering all the variables involved, decided that I was going to try to survive. You would be amazed at how fast the mind works when brother death taps you on the shoulder. I remembered everything I had ever heard about how to survive a fall, put it into practice and then for the last 15 feet of my 21 foot fall had nothing else to think about. When I hit the concrete floor I had plenty to think about. I shattered both of my heels, fractured both ankles and broke the two bones in one of my legs. The pain was enormous.
I had this idea in my brain that when the ambulance arrived and they gave me some drugs that the pain would subside.
No such luck. For the next twelve days the pain would be unrelenting, sometimes pushed back a bit but always present. I got to the hospital during a nurses strike which lasted through my stay.
What quickly developed on my legs were what is called fracture blisters the size of tennis balls. For fear of infection the doctors did not want to operate and so I had to lay on my bed for twelve days in great pain.
The doctors knew that it would be a long time before they could operate and because they didn't want me to develop a drug problem they felt it wise to allow me only the minimum amount of pain medication and also with the shortage of staff owing to the nurses strike they could not spare the manpower to monitor higher dosages. They put me on a self administering morphine drip. Every eight minuets it allowed me to press a button which would release a small amount of morphine. In addition to that every six hours they would give me oral pain killers. The eight minuet drip, while certainly not taking away all the pain, did make it somewhat bearable.
The trouble was that I never figured out how to do it in my sleep and so when I occasionally drifted off into delirium the job of the morphine would fall far behind.
Occasionally a room mate would tell me that he had to leave the room because of the screaming I was doing, which I wasn't aware of.
(Pay close attention to picturing this part because it might be on the quiz afterwards. ) One time, for some unknown reason, I did manage to fall asleep for quite a few hours.
It was nighttime and the room was dark. Someone was very gently touching me on the shoulder to wake me from my sleep. Two things happened at once.
I opened my eyes to this most beautiful vision. So as not to frighten me in the dark, the nurse was shinning a flashlight on herself giving an effect of a halo around her head. She was a very beautiful woman and she was looking at me with such a sweet tenderness.
Then she said in her most beautiful voice " I'm here to give you something for your pain"
The other thing that was happening was that I was being awakened to about the worse pain that I had during my whole stay at the hospital. I had gone a very long time without pushing that little button and I must have moved my leg in my sleep and so while one hand was reaching out to see if I could touch that halo the other hand was busy pushing that little button over and over again even though I knew that every push after one was a total waste of energy.
Then this beautiful nurse, this angel of compassion, this beacon of truth and light, this vision of tenderness dressed in white looked at her watch and said "Oh I see that it is still three minuets before your medication time, I'll wait here" and she stood there looking at her watch.
I was thinking of screaming at her "Just give me the fucking pill" but I didn't.
I figured that I had gone through so much, I might as well go all the way and wait those three minuets more.
I'm glad I did.
It gave me time to ponder just how fucking insane this universe can be.
This woman just woke me, plunging me into incredible pain, tells me that she is here to help me with my pain and is now standing there looking at her watch with a saint like devotion like she is absolutely sure it's ticking out it's 180 seconds will save all the babies in Africa from hunger, will prevent the destruction of the Earth by a passing star and reconcile the fallen angels at the Seat of Mercy.
Maybe she woke me three minutes too early or was giving me the pill three minutes too late, but in those three minutes I started laughing and I couldn't stop. I was in terrible pain and didn't want to laugh but I couldn't stop it.
I laughed uncontrollably and I certainly wasn't laughing at her because when I started laughing I felt that I was also her and she was just as much I. It also seemed like what she was doing was one of the most commonest things that pretty much everyone does every day in their own little way. I told some of this story once before to a LC group and Sue made a little picture and posted it on the Internet. It can be seen here.
http://www.suewinterbottom.freeserve.co ... kAngel.gif
My finding out now what is so funny is drawing from my lips my own little Hallelujah